Things have been very challenging for us both in the last few days. I have been reassured with the speed at which professional staff have been able to offer support to help me accommodate M’s current presentation. The events of Thursday night were unprecedented and extremely challenging for us both. It would be true to say that I was running out of ideas and by chance Lionel Ritchie came to my rescue. M clearly didn’t like his set and decided to lie down on the sofa once more and eventually settled down. This time my suggestion to retire to bed led to a positive response.
We are now set for a challenging couple of weeks with new carers coming along on a daily basis. One of our regulars is off on honeymoon so there will be new faces on the block. This immediately presents difficulties as any change from routine is unsettling for M. However, change also presents an opportunity for me to review my approach to things.
Generally, I have viewed carer ‘sits’ as an opportunity to have ‘me time’: a break from my caring role. M often sees this as something akin to desertion asserting: ‘that we don’t do things as a couple any longer or I didn’t leave you with carers when you were mentally ill’. Perhaps, it is time to work with M’s reality on this front and review how we use carers.
It is possible to see carers as a helping hand to both of us. As an elderly couple what is wrong with having a helping hand in the house? If we shift the focus of care to domestic duties, including shopping then there is a possible bonus for us both: we are relieved of domestic dross and we increase the quality time we have together. Such an approach would also support the line to M: ‘you are not ill you are recovering from stroke’. So there appears to be a bonus payment from accepting M’s realty that we need to get back to being a married couple, who have always been very close.
There are other aspects of M’s reality that I am testing out in the next few days. New technology is ‘decadence rather than progressive’ for the human race as it is anti social media. Her aversion to telephone is obvious whenever we receive an incoming call: particularly when it is for her. It is possible that phone calls only highlight her poor memory so are to be avoided. M remembers with fondness writing and receiving letters from her relatives. I have attempted to rekindle such communication on a couple of fronts.
Many suggests living with the reality of the person with dementia. Some even suggest ‘Love Lies’ as an important approach to communication. As M’s intellect is still intact I have often got caught out on that front. When she is alert I have a feeling that she may even set a trap for me: on occasions I have taken the bait hook line and sinker. However, I think it is worth working with M’s reality for a while and seeing where that takes us.
In the 23 years we have been together I have learned a lot from my beautiful wife. By and large she continues to exhibit her substantial intellect when she is lucid. When I see people glued to their gadgets I agree with her about the contradiction of ‘social media’ . No post tomorrow but it will be interesting to see what arrives on Monday and where that leads on our journey with dementia.
