Tag Archives: Confusion

Dementia: Facing The Music

Mixed Dementia, ,

The ‘Little Girl’ as Maureen calls her came to my rescue yesterday evening.  As soon as I called her up on YouTube Maureen’s presentation changed:

I was rather shocked by what I saw when I called to pick Maureen up from Alderlea Care Home yesterday.  I watched an elderly lady with a rather hunched posture attempting to escape the attention of a male resident.  She greeted me with ‘here’s Paul’ but I was immediately challenged by her suitor who wouldn’t accept that I was her husband.  He became rather persistent in his questioning of my status and it took the intervention of a member of staff to shake him off.

Maureen’s confusion was paramount as we tried to resolve a missing weekend case full of her clothing.  I found it difficult to comprehend her reality, apart from grasping that ‘I was a wicked man for putting her in this place by lying to them about things she had done wrong’.  She was hostile to all and sundry as we attempted to clear up any outstanding matters from her residence.

Once home it took a short rest, a cup of tea and an evening meal before hostilities began to ease.  Then music paved the way for a beautiful evening with the ‘Little Girl’ working her usual magic.  When Maureen asked me to dance to this one from Rod I breathed a sigh of relief:

This morning Maureen is in raptures about the pleasant evening we spent with her dad last night.  She is delighted that he enjoyed singing with the children!  She is also really pleased that we will be going to a local farm to pick some raspberries this morning.

Tom Schuller my Senior Lecturer from my days at Warwick University, often suggests I spell out the lessons I am learning from our journey.  My simple message this morning is: following a Respite Break always be prepared to face the music and get the fruit in!

 

Dementia: Pipe Dreams

Mixed Dementia,

Image result for A Pipe Dream Picture

I have to hold my hand up and admit my plans to take Maureen to London for the day have been a pipe dream.  This realisation came to me belatedly yesterday when the challenges from Maureen’s presentation were coming thick and fast.  What I had chosen to ignore was a question posed to me by Girl Tuesday, when she herself had been under attack:  ‘what if she goes off on one when you are in London?’

I have never seen or heard Maureen in the state she got herself into yesterday.  The things she said about me do need repeating and accusations about a relationship with Girl Tuesday were insulting.  It was sad to hear Maureen tell her favourite carer to ‘get out of her house’ and accuse her of being ‘a loose woman’.  G T sensibly kept her distance as Maureen constantly invaded her space and eventually I advised her to leave early for her own safety.  As always G T showed her undoubted skills; completely unhindered by being six months pregnant.

Our Key Worker will be here this afternoon to help the transition of Maureen into a Care Home for four nights.  He bailed me out yesterday, promptly finding another option when Ashgrove said they were no longer staffed to cope with Maureen following my cancellation of our booking on Monday.

It will be interesting to see how Maureen reacts to being in Alderlea and whether Care Homes always turn out to be her worst nightmare!

Footnote:  I drafted the above late last night during a calmer moment.  This morning I am no longer ‘Public Enemy Number One’: Maureen thinks I’m her dad.  She is ranting this morning about all sorts of things as she walks about the house and garden.

Taking Maureen to London was my Pipe Dream anyone who thinks my current Support Package is adequate is suffering from similar hallucinations.  I’m posting early this morning so I can concentrate onto containing Maureen until our Key Worker arrives at 1.30  to help me get Maureen into Alderlea so I can enjoy some much-needed  RESPITE!

 

Dementia: ‘I’m So Frightened’

Mixed Dementia,

Image result for Frightened Elderly Lady Picture

When Maureen lay on the sofa yesterday evening following an afternoon in the sun she said to me: ‘I feel so frightened’.  She went on to tell me how difficult it was to do simple things and how her confidence had been shattered.  I tried to reassure that I would always try to help her just as she had done for me during difficult times in my life.

I didn’t like to tell Maureen that I had been struggling to understand her presentation for most of the day.  It was late afternoon before I grasped what was behind the changes in her reality when she said ‘I didn’t know where I was until I saw all that loosestrife; then I knew I was in my garden’:

Then she revealed what had really spooked her yesterday.  A new carer had turned up and grilled her with questions during the morning.  Maureen thought this was a Memory Test in the preparation for readmitting her into a Care Home.  This may have sparked a challenging evening and a dreadful night.  Thank goodness I have decided to take her with me to London on Friday rather than recreating her worst nightmare: locked up in a strange place!

It was after 3 ‘o’clock this morning before Maureen was able to lay down on the couch.  I had listened to her monologue via the Baby Monitor between brief naps as I lay on the bed in the spare room.  Fortunately, it is a good day for grounding Maureen after a period of abject confusion.  It is likely that the presence of Girl Tuesday along with my sister and her husband will be just what the doctor ordered: with her jailer becoming her husband once again.

The odds of being able to persuade Maureen to get into the chauffeur’s car on Friday have lengthened. If this hot spell continues I think the odds will go out even further.  At 5 am I am still The Enemy with abuse being hurled in my direction whenever the opportunity arises.  My inclination at the moment is to keep my money where my mouth is rather than bringing about Maureen’s worst nightmare!

At 5 am I am still ‘The Enemy’ with abuse being hurled in my direction whenever the opportunity arises.  However,  with regard, to the trip to Lond, n my inclination is to keep my money where my mouth is rather than bringing about Maureen’s worst nightmare.  Just as I am about to post this Blog Maureen has asked me if she can share my bed as she is so frightened!

 

Dementia: Saved By Talk Talk

Mixed Dementia,

I’ve had to pull out all the stops today to distract and redirect Maureen from her distress following the visit by our Key Worker yesterday.  Then disaster struck when our phone line went down in the morning so no music via YouTube.  I have to hand it to Talk Talk they fixed the problem very quickly and Maeve was back on the screen and her Nana was singing along and clapping after every number:

What would really put the icing on the cake now is a phone call confirming that Maeve and her dad will be visiting us in Cleethorpes very soon!

I know I’m tempting fate by posting at this time as there is still possibly a long night ahead.  However, as Carers Week is drawing to a close I want to post about the importance of ‘Listening To Carers’ tomorrow.

 

Dementia: Maureen’s Left Foot

Mixed Dementia,

Image result for My Left Foot PictureOur day didn’t go at all as we planned yesterday.  Rain stopped play as far as our trip to Louth was concerned then Maureen’s left foot led to us being housebound until early afternoon.

Maureen’s left foot rarely feels comfortable following her stroke.  It is frequently cold and yesterday’s remedy, two pairs of thermal socks, caused immediate problems.  She sat for quite some time trying to find a way of easing a foot that was probably size eight into a shoe that was size seven.  Eventually, she gave up on the idea suggesting that roller skates or a pushchair might solve the situation.  It is refreshing to hear that she can still think outside the box.

I was really relieved when Girl every other Saturday arrived at noon.  I had misread a letter from her Care Agency and expecting a  new kid on the block I had cancelled the call.  What I had missed was that this change is going to take place next week because the other weekender is no longer working for the Agency.  This is a real pity as we will be losing someone else who Maureen liked and will be facing another period of uncertainty.

Maureen’s problems with her foot faded once she was in the company of another woman.  She spent the next couple of hours chatting, joining in with preparations for lunch and tidying up the house.  How fortunate our Key Worker realised that I had got it wrong and did not cancel the call!

Our evening stroll took the normal circular route with me commenting on landmarks as we walked around what I hope is becoming familiar territory.  I didn’t let go of Maureen’s hand during our walk.  However,  I’m hoping I might be able to relax a little as we repeat the exercise.  I have to play this one very carefully as I have warned off engaging in any ‘positive risk taking in the community’.  It would be reckless for me to go down this road until I have cleared my strategy for giving Maureen an element of freedom with professional staff.

We finished the evening off with ‘The Great Parsnip Hunt’.  If they are not on the plate for Sunday Dinner the Resident Chef would be on a Final Warning.  As our local Spa Stores rarely stocks this precious vegetable we ventured into Cleethorpes to ensure that they will be on the menu today.  It was good to see that Maureen didn’t appear to feel out of place in the unfamiliar surroundings. of Cleethorpes Coop.

It’s a fairly bright start to the morning and we haven’t any fixed plans today.  If the going is good I might pop to the Leisure Centre and leave the girls to prepare vegetables for the return of the Resident Chef.  I just wonder if I could ever teach Maureen to Chef again but I think forgetting how to cook might just be a ‘Cunning Plan’ on her behalf!

Dementia: Rescued By The Police Again

Mixed Dementia,

Image result for Humberside police pictureAfter we had placed our cross on the ballot paper last night a local Police Officer became my hero once again. On a previous occasion, his team had found Maureen when she got lost on a nearby Holiday Camp.  This time, he helped to bring her down to earth after a period of chronic uncertainty after a visit by her son.  As soon as she heard his voice she remembered him and this shifted her reality from the confusion concerning events earlier in the day.  The added bonus was that he is going to arrange for one of his officers to help me process the Herbert Protocol.

Maureen’s presentation yesterday afternoon led me to the conclusion that family members who are only able to visit us occasionally are now on ‘Mission Impossible’. It must be difficult for busy visitors to grasp how to play it when Maureen puts herself in the Hostess Mode.  They are unlikely to see through her act and understand what it takes out of her to put on a special performance for their benefit.

Half an hour after her son left it became clear that Maureen had no idea who he was.  An hour later she had no recollection of having a visitor – her focus was on ‘a missing lady and catching a plane’.

I think there is no alternative than to run with what happens when visitors from a distance away visit.  It is becoming Mission Impossible to help them to understand the progression of Maureen’s condition and resist behaving as they always have.  Thank goodness you can always depend on the Boys in Blue when you need them!

Footnote: My Good Music page will give you a hint as to how we voted last night.

Dementia: Positive Risk Taking In PJ’s Paid Off

minimising distress,

Image result for positive risk taking picture

When Maureen woke in despair yesterday I knew I had to pull out all the stops to try to shift her mindset.  I went for it throughout the day and my positive risk taking paid off with a beautiful climax in the evening.  It took me a while to decide whether to go for it as Maureen sat in clothes that were all inside out with pants on top of her pyjama bottoms.  However, I thought in for a penny and got more than a pound.

Maureen is transformed this morning after seeing her aunt and uncle.  She can’t stop thanking me for taking her to see them.  Seeing her with those who loved and looked after her as a little girl is priceless.  Listening to them they reminisce about the good old days is heartening. The amazing thing is my misreading of a crucial matter – I was frequently trying to steer the conversation away from Maureen’s parents for fear that her relatives would confirm they were dead: Maureen assures me she was on the same mission!

Wearing PJ bottoms paid off earlier in the day when Maureen had popped out by herself.  I heard the locked front door open as I was in the bathroom.  Maureen had scarpered before I could get some clothes on but I soon found her a short distance away being steered back home by some locals who had spotted her unusual attire.  I caught up with them as they were about to phone 101 about the lady with a key in hand who was looking for ‘her friend Paul who would have her dinner on.’

I’m not sure if there is a moral to this story apart from you never know what you are going to get with vascular dementia particularly if you are dressed appropriately.  One thing for sure we need to pop into the local Spa Store more often as the assistants there gave Maureen such a lovely start to the day yesterday.  They helped her to choose which cordial to buy and gave her so much more.   As she offered them a £10 note she had them in stitches as she bantered with me about all sorts of things.

All staff at our local Spa Store are dementia friendly and such support in the local community makes a real difference to our lives.  I’m just wondering if we pop down there shortly if it would distract Maureen from her current focus of us ‘getting a move on or we will miss the bus to take us back home.’

Dementia: ‘Nobody Loves Me: I’m Such a Nuisance’

minimising distress,

Image result for I'm Such A Nuisance PictureWhen Maureen woke early this morning she was very sad feeling unloved and a nuisance.  She was beside herself with her loss of independence and her reliance on others. Her feelings are not surprising when you reflect on such a capable woman now being limited by dementia.  I hope my assurances that I loved her and would do all I could to help her rediscover her capabilities and enthusiasm for life had some impact.

Our Circuit Training went well yesterday and a similar approach is needed to address Maureen’s sadness this morning.   If I pitch it right I have no doubt that Maureen will see glimpses of her old self.  Dementia will mean that she forgets those brilliant moments when she shines but the feel good factor will remain.  Her performance on walking around Royal Court by herself yesterday was remarkable.  She stopped at a lamppost outside the house of a new found friend.  I would speculate that she wanted another conversation with her friend from Durham who she had a lovely chat with the other day.

Her performance on walking around Royal Court by herself yesterday was remarkable. She stopped at a lamppost outside the house of a new found friend.  I would speculate that she wanted another conversation with a lady from Durham who she had a lovely chat with the other day.

Circuit Training will take place again today along with another cunning plan.  With luck, I will persuade Maureen to visit a nearby Auntie who looked after her when she was a young child.  Maureen will feel, and remember, the love of this elderly couple and I will get to hear a more about my beautiful wife when she was a little girl: a BOGOF approach to reminiscence therapy!

Just had the first smooch of the day in the kitchen to this one from the Brothers Gibb:

I think the answer from both of us is an emphatic YES.  What I continue to wonder is if Maureen will ever let me lead?

 

Dementia: Dealing With DOLs

Mixed Dementia,

Image result for Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards Picture

After Maureen’s Run Away Day professional staff are considering if they should apply for a DOLs order in her own home.  It can be argued that DOLs is the best way of keeping Maureen safe in the community but there are serious shortcomings of this approach.

While we were out walking yesterday evening Maureen thought we would be in trouble as she had got the impression that: ‘they thought she was stupid and should be locked in the house’.  She had told Girl Friday a similar story: ‘that her cousin had told her that she was no longer allowed out’.

I have decided to address the DOLs concerns with Circuit Training.  We started the programme last night with several walks around the block.  Maureen may not have remembered the route but her pleasant memories of walking hand in hand will remain: feeling matter (Sheard):

Our Training tonight training will be moved up a notch as I let go of her hand for short periods of time and encourage her to stroll around safe areas under her own steam i.e. set her off at one end of a Close and meet her at the other.

If Maureen believes she is ‘stupid’ then we are on the road to Prescribed Disengagement:

With luck ideas, concerning DOLs can remain where they are best kept: on the shelf!

Dementia: Following The Dementia Sherpa Pays Off

Mixed Dementia,

Image result for tHE dEMENTIA sHERPA pICTURE

I have never been fond of the concept of ‘going with the flow’ as an approach to being a Care Partner: it has always seemed too liberal for me.  When I read the Dementia Sherpa’s thinking it seemed more my style.  As we searched for Jamie yesterday afternoon I think Christy’s hand was close by and led me to the distraction that we needed.  Her guidance also helped me to fill in gaps about Maureen’s recent experience in Respite Care.

When Maureen became concerned that Jamie had gone missing again yesterday afternoon I suggested that we should go and look for him.  As we searched around our neighbourhood the little boy that Maureen believes she plays tag with was nowhere to be seen.  She assured me that he can’t run fast enough to catch her but he is great fun to play with.  I tried to reassure her that he was probably in the safe care of his mother but she didn’t think he would be able to find his way home.  Fortunately, as Maureen was becoming increasingly upset distraction arrived before our eyes with one of our neighbours walking with her daughter whilst pushing a pram.  When her daughter addressed Maureen by name I suddenly twigged: she had cared for Maureen when she had been in Ashgrove.

Maureen enjoyed admiring the baby and exchanging with her great grandmother but she clearly had no recollection of her daughter.  Despite several prompts, it soon became clear that Maureen had no recollection of being in Ashgrove less than a fortnight ago.   However, there were two important things that I  learned during our exchanges.  Firstly, Maureen had hardly slept while she had been she had been in Residential Care.  Secondly, there had been an exodus of staff from Ashgrove who have joined the previous Manager at a neighbouring Care Home.

I’m  clear that Fiblets are a part of my style as Maureen’s Care Partner: honesty is the best policy.  I don’t think it is too much to ask for Care Homes to open the books and let their clients know what is really going on in their neck of the woods.  Is it too much to ask that they provide a basic written report on how things have gone while a loved one has been in their care and that it doesn’t take so long for missing clothing to be returned to the owner?

Footnote: It’s rough terrain early doors as Maureen is on my case about her car and me taking it out and leaving her at home.  I might have to get on my bike today!