‘Mrs Dementia’ was rampant at 3.3o am this morning as Maureen thought she had been left behind as all the other residents in this Care Home had gone out on a trip. No matter what I said I couldn’t shift her from her fixation as she tried to put her imagined discrimination into context. She wondered if they hadn’t taken her because ‘her clothes were so shabby or because she had been a bad person’. The attack eventually focused on me ‘had I bought her; if I thought she was going to stay here I was wrong’. Even my teddy bear was removed from her bedroom and flung onto the bedside table beside me in the spare room. When I look back I had reaped my just reward from a selfish day yesterday.
I got carried away yesterday and almost forgot Maureen’s condition. For most of the day I neglected her needs as I pressed on repairing fence panels in our back garden. I chose to ignore her rampant confusion as she wandered around between our garden, the front pavement and our neighbours drive. She clearly hadn’t a clue what was going on even telling me that the police or a relative had just called in and I had missed their visit.
My neglect yesterday wasn’t restricted to my wife: it extended to Mike my neighbour. He can hardly stand due to a chronic condition but yet again I cajoled him to assist me in my endeavours until he ‘retired hurt’ exhausted. Kate his wife and her dog also entered the fray keeping Maureen safe as she wandered back and forth trying to make sense of what was going on.
If Maureen had been in a Care Home yesterday I would have been ‘up in arms’ about the behaviour of her carer (me) and complaint would have been filed: I would have been asserting that they needed to be put in Special Measures. Once gain I am tempted to visit a tattoo parlour and get them to put on my forehead and hand Maureen has dementia.
One of the few benefits of dementia is that I may get away with my selfish behaviour yesterday: with luck Maureen will have forgotten my neglect of her needs. From now on I need to have a new mantra; ‘potter or pay-up’. The time for DIY has gone; replacing a light bulb is fine but significant fence repairs are no longer viable – Maureen has dementia.
Two immediate priorities this morning: concentrate on being a good Tea Boy hopefully ‘at my new station’; seek out Mike and Kate and eat humble pie.
Dementia: Sharing The Good Times 
Don’t have the tattoo on your forehead – you’ll only see it when you look in a mirror!
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Just shows you how misguided I am at the moment Mary; i never thought of that!
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Rob too has awoken distressed and upset from a dream that plays into reality. Only the other day this happened. He was in floods of tears, distraught that he had been left behind. Of course he hadn’t been, and I wondered if he were playing the part of someone else, rather than himself. I talked to him about his upset, asking him many questions to find out more. I was right. He was not playing himself in his dream, as before he was someone else (I didn’t know we did that!). I sympathised with him, but did not correct him, and helped to resolve the dilemma he was in, and eventually he calmed down. It was only later that I mentioned in passing the start of his day. We talked about it some more but there were too any answers that he didn’t have. I asked him if he thought it might have been a dream given that it didn’t really make sense. In the end he thought perhaps it was.
These dementia episodes are yet another challenge to our patience and our attempts to be calm at all times. It’s tough. So very tough. My heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful care partner and your devotion is fantastic. How lucky Maureen and those she loves are to have you looking after her. Well done you!
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I’m not sure it was a dream as Maureen is frequently worried she has been left behind. I think i’m gradually getting used to not absorbing hostility and walking away when nothing i say changes Maureen’s mindset. Thanks for your kind comments: on good days I welcome the challenges of being a Care Partner as a wondeful opportunity to give unconditional love but when I’m tired I am not always so generous.
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I am always grateful for your honest stories! And you’re right: every day is a new day, so you can just start again each day to care for Maureen (and yourself!) as best you can. Bravo.
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Likewise I’m so grateful for people like you who offer support and comment on our journey.
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It is not so terrible, allowing yourself to get lost in a task for a bit to recharge, is it? ….. By the way, I don’t know or maybe not remember the expression “potter or pay up”. Am curious about it.
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I made that expression up with paying up being the opposite of DIY. So I can either repair the fence or call in someone to do it for us.
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