Charlotte breezed into our lives at noon yesterday and struck up a positive chord with Maureen as soon as they met.  Maureen greeted her with a lovely smile, and they were off as if they had known each other for a life-time.  I stayed around for the whole time that Charlotte was here to provide an ad hoc induction to working with us.

As the afternoon progressed there were lots of opportunities for Charlotte to see Maureen in a functional mode.  In some ways it helped that my antibiotics had gone missing.     Thsi gave Charlotte a chance to see  the absence of logic and rational thought first hand.  It also gave her a stark introduction into Maureen’s ability to recall.

Charlotte stared in disbelief as Maureen repeated the same questions time and time again.: ‘what type of box were the tablets in – when did I last have them- why didn’t I phone the doctors- were they in here, there, or any where?’ and on and on. She soon realised that the information that she had been given about Maureen was sketchy, and out of date.

I have to take some responsibility for only giving Charlotte basic information, when she phoned up to introduce herself the day before.  That is why I stayed around for her first visit: I will do much the same today.  What concerns me is the scant information that social services pass on when they are referring clients.

It is possible that Maureen may have settled at the Day Centre on Wednesday had they known a little more about her.  All they were given were name, rank and number.  I think this is completely unfair on all concerned and is something I aim to address.  Part of me thinks I shouldn’t have to but I will to protect my wife.

One of the outcomes of yesterday afternoon is a confirmation of my Mission Impossible Blog.  Maureen remains eloquent, and can confabulate with the best of them. Therefore social services classify Maureen dementia as early onset.  Anyone who sees her in functional mode, would smile at such a description of her capacity: as Charlotte did.

I have to accept responsibility for my part in the mess we got into yesterday.  There is a certain irony that the guy who sets out to minimise his wife’s distress becomes complicit in adding to it: in no small way.  When I think of what I took part in I shudder with disbelief.  In fact words fail me when I look back on what I acually did.

I took part in a charade that gave Maureen the opposite message that I convey day after day.  We all told her in no unceratin way  that: ‘you are not capable of looking after your husband when he is ill’.  What on earth were we doing?  I think it requires some examination to salve all our consciences, and put things into perspective.

In our defence I would argue that we were following a medical model based on Prescribed Disengagement as Kate Swaffer so eloquently describes it.    So we conveyed to a nurturing wife that she is  no longer capable of looking after her ailing husband.  In fact he is so ill that you need to be taken away to ease his burden.   Maureen kept saying at the Day Centre: ‘my husband is ill and I want to go home to look after him’.  She has spent a life-time nurturing others and we were telling her she no longer has the capacity to look after her ‘old man’.  We were all wrong.

It took a while for me to get things back to normal at the ranch.  Hostility about me getting ‘my friend’ to take Maureen to a Mental Home took a while to abate.  She played her cards well and hit me where it might have hurt.  I don’t blame her one little bit, and she continued her attack on the social worker by phone.  Her line was strong and she left the social worker in no doubt that she would pay for her actions.  I will back Maureen in her complaint if she continues in this vein.  She needs to know I am behind her, and will support her in raising concerns.  No-one likes being ‘dumped’.

What all of this has proved to me is that the medical model and Prescribed Disengagement is not the route  for us.  It is up to all of us to find our own way on our journey with dementia.   This came home to me following a chat with our chemist yesterday.  Evonna has helped us to develop our approach to dementia based on a mantra of: ‘Maureen is not ill she is recovering from stroke’.  I forgot that yesterday and became infected with the ‘medical model’.  I hope that doesn’t happen again: Maureen deserves better than that.  It’s amazing how you can lose your way when you are under the weather!

Maureen is extremely angry with the world.  She didn’t like being ‘dumped in a Mental Home’ and it is all my fault.

In my opinion the Day Centre where she was left was totally unsuitable for her needs.

This is all very worrying indeed.  It doesn’t look as if I am going to get the rest I desperately need, as Maureen feels I have conspired to have her locked away.  She just won’t let up with  her full frontal assault.  I have asked the social worker to return here as soon as possible.

It never rains with dementia: it simply pours

When I presented my condition to the Triage Nurse at our Out of Hours Sevice yesterday I couldn’t believe my good fortune.  Within a few minutes there was a knock at the door and  who should enter but Dr Sibtain the GP I had seen on the previous day.  It made it so much easier when I went into his consulting room a short while afterwards.

Dr Sibtain knows us both well fom Clee Medical Centre, so there was no need to explain to him that  Maureen has dementia.  She had wandered away a couple of times along the way, and I had put the receptionist on watch so I could relax while I was in Triage.  I am going to have to use some cards that a contact gave me to indicate to others that Maureen has dementia.  It will only distress her if I have to go into explanations whilst she is in ear shot.  After all as she often says: ‘she lost her memory once’.  She remains in denial about her peripheral vision loss; expecting some magic glasses to appear so she will be able to get her driving licence back.

As always Dr Sibtains examination was thorough, and prescription of antibiotics followed.  He is well aware of my reluctance to take tablets but we understand each other well.  I will never forget his support in helping me to escape from a life-time on antidepressants.  Just by chance I had stumbled on the  work of Irving Kirsch who has called into question the issue of ‘chemical imbalance’ as a determinant for mild to moderate depression.   His research proved that antidepressnats are only effective as a placebo for mild to moderate conditions. This led me to realise that antidepressants were not the solution: therapy was.  Dr Sibtain referred me for the treatment I needed: Paul Martin (Practice Counsellor) provided the therapy.

Moving on from the hospital Maureen had a further difficult episode.  Just by chance we bumped into Tracey our social worker.  Maureen sought an explanation from me about who she was.  Half an hour of difficulty followed, trying to explain Tarcey’s involvement in our lives.  It culminated with Maureen asking me if I had called Tracey in: ‘because I was finding her difficult’.

I could write several paragraphs on what it took to get Maureen to bed.  Abject confusion followed over medical advice to sleep in separate rooms, to reduce the possibility of passing on the infection.  I began to wonder if she would ever settle down – she was clearly frightened about being in a bedroom alone.  I think the fears of strangers getting into her bed are never far away.

Maureen is still sleeping.  My nose continues to drip like a leaking tap.  I hope social services are in touch very soon.