Category Archives: General

Dementia: What A Team!

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I would not have survived yesterday without significant help from friends (including cyber) professional staff, and family members.   It is possible that I will not have space to thank them all so apologies in advance if I fail to mention you!

My day got off to a good start when I met Ed one of my friends from the Buddhist Meditation Group.  Our chat for an hour or so helped me to understand the ‘message’ a little more.  Ed is such a generous man who is always prepared to meet me at the drop of an E Mail and fields my questions in a very helpful manner.  Like all good Buddhist we ended our chat by talking football as Ed is a ‘Town’ supporter and they have just got back into the Football League.

I returned home from the calm of Buddhism to the storm of Dementia.  Maureen was incensed that Gail her carer had stopped her from walking alone.  She vented her frustration at me for several hours and I had to trail her for well over an hour.  There is little point in repeating her recriminations or accusations: they are familiar tales in the dementia bubble.

During one of the intervals in the hostilities I sought advice from Mel my Admiral Nurse but failed to reach her.  Yvonne the Occupational Therapist who had declared Maureen unfit to wander was on holiday but I had a helpful chat with one of her colleagues about the practicalities of re assessment.   I also managed to reach Sue our social worker who provided excellent telephone support and reassured me that I was on the right track (the digital tracker is currently on charge).

I hoped that tea would move things in a new direction as the vegetarian burgers ended Maureen’s hunger strike and I anticipated all was fine and dandy.  Unfortunately the food may have hit one spot but opened another door and Mrs Dementia re -entered wondering ‘when her husband would come to pick her up’.  She asked me ‘if I could give her a lift home as her kids would be wanting their tea’.  Despite my best efforts I couldn’t help her to see that she was home: during her musings she mentioned Clarice, her aunty, and that opened a door in my thinking.

At a lull in the attack I slipped away to call Clarice with a cunning plan.  Half an hour later I dropped Maureen at Clarice’s where she could wait for ‘her husband’ to pick her up.  Once home again I spoke to Colin Maureen’s son on the phone to appraise him of developments.  He was very supportive and we chatted about contingency plans for my visit to Coventry in a couple of weeks.  Colin made some very helpful suggestions about Ian (his brother) and Barrie (his uncle) potential involvement in the arrangements to see my own family.

I returned to pick up Maureen an hour after I had dropped her off.  In my break from hostilities I completely change my outfit and deliberately wore a red fleece that belonged to Maureen.  Clarice was very tolerant of her niece and husband catching up on the latest news for half an hour or so.  When we returned home as Mr and Mrs Collins I manged to keep conversation on how Clarice was coping living by herself now she was widowed.

Maureen had clearly been frightened by Clarice’s plight and shared her fears about being left alone in a strange place.  She was pleased that ‘I wasn’t angry’ about her thoughts about ‘the need to move from the sea-side and go back home’.

I have managed to stay in bed for about 7 hours and recharge the batteries a little. Maureen has woken a couple of times and reopened a number of issues.  Her initial concern was about going back home.  Then she has moved onto her concerns about short-term memory loss.  Once again she claims that ‘no-one has told her how to get her memory back’ and I have gently contradicted her assertion.  This has not gone down particularly well and I hope I haven’t overplayed my hand.

I have never mentioned  Kate Swaffer to Maureen or Dominique Klotz who advised me to check her out.  I’m so fortunate that Paul Martin my counsellor suggested that blogging might be helpful to me as a Care Partner: as it has opened the door to neuroplasticity.  Kate continues to bang the drum about potential and just as Irving Kirsch was my route out of depression Kate’s has to be the guide on this journey.

I firmly believe that Maureen has the potential to regain her independence and wander safely at will.  It is possible for her to show us that she can cross roads safely and with the tracker in place can get safe help if she feels lost.  All she needs is patience from yours truly and she will prove to others that she is safe to wander.  Once we have overcome that little matter it may well be possible to encourage her to explore other opportunities to get her memory back.

Thank goodness that Lisa will be here with her husband and two beautiful daughters by noon.  We both need a day off and with luck we might make it to the circus together.

Jen one of my cyber friends uses her blog to show gratitude and we wouldn’t cope  without such a wonderful Team who have supported us to find our way on this journey. Once again sincere apologies to anyone who I have missed out on today’s post but you know who you are!

Please note:  I am short of time and have not provided any links to Kate Swaffer or Irving Kirsch on this post: they are well worth following up on Google.

Footnote:  I just couldn’t resist that photo.  Did I ever mention that Coventry City won the FA Cup in 1987?

Further Footnote: 8.15 am the attack continues with a vengeance that I have not seen before: another type of circus.  Where are the clowns?

Dementia: ‘My Wife’s A Scallywag’

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Maureen was up to her tricks again yesterday playing a dastardly prank on me after lunch.  I had drifted off in the armchair as I waited for my pudding to cool.  When I awoke I couldn’t find it anywhere and Maureen was in fits of laughter.  Despite my suspicions she denied any involvement and I had to seek additional supplies from leftovers in the kitchen.

As I washed up in the evening I counted the dishes and realised that we were one short. Putting my helmet and uniform on P C 70 returned to the scene of the crime for further investigations and located the missing sweet: stashed safely beneath the coffee table.  Maureen would have convinced anyone of her innocence by then because four hours later she had forgotten her ‘crime’.

It is lovely when the ‘scallywag’ is here playing pranks on me as she often has throughout our relationship.   Her antics followed a good morning with Charlotte, who had held the fort while I went out shopping.  Maureen likes the ‘new kid on the block’ as she has a wide range of conversation and chatting about her forthcoming holiday in Mexico had gone down well.

The ‘scallywag’ also enjoyed her afternoon walk even though she would have picked up I was on her case.  I steered her in the direction of the chemist for a possible blood pressure check.  Her response of ‘I had it checked a couple of weeks ago and I don’t want to focus on it all the time’ was refreshing.  Then as we wound our way home I built in my own ‘capacity assessment’ to check on her recollection of the Green Cross Code and ability to find her way home.  From what I saw yesterday she is safe to wander but needs help to find her way home.  I reckon there is potential for improvement possibly by bringing the digital tracker into use.

The evening went well with a sandwich and some lovely singing along to Barbara Streisand.  By 8 pm Maureen was obviously tiring and declined a joint approach to solving crosswords.  This gave me an opportunity to deal with my addiction to Salvage Hunters on Quest One.  I like to see Drew Pritchard travel around the country and find hidden gems that his team breathe new life into and make a healthy profit into the bargain.  We finished off with YouTube: eventually settling for the brilliance of Victoria Wood in yet another repeat of something or other.

At 9.30 pm we were both tired and made our way to the marital bedroom.  Once in bed we tried something a little different but were clearly not on the same page and I struggled to adapt to a new position.  In retrospect I think the ‘scallywag’ was up to her antics again; trying to claim the right-hand side of the bed which she forfeited early in our relationship.

I made a silly mistake after an early bathroom call and retired to the spare room.  When Maureen awoke around 2.30 am I realised the error of my ways as ‘a stranger was now in her room and a dog was on the landing’.  Although I joined her back in our bed I struggled to get back to sleep and once again have been up for a while.

It will be interesting to see if Maureen returns to her theme of wanting a day out today.  We had a little pillow talk last night before we dropped off and she suggested visiting my mum today or even a couple of days away (just the two of us).  Things are looking up but I clearly need to avoid dropping off or that ‘scallywag’ will be up to her antics again!

Still reeling from the antics of yesterday I nearly forgot my task from Learning The Fundamentals today: to make contact with fellow bloggers.  I currently have over a 100 followers and have received loads of messages of support and suggestions to help us on our journey.  I’d best pop across their and see how many more positive contacts I can make to help us on our way or as the ‘scallywag’ might say ‘oh are oh are shiver me timbers’.

Dementia: ‘Dharma For Dementia -The P C Approach To Memory Loss’

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This morning I have rebranded my Blog this in response to the second task in  Learning The Fundamentals course that I’m now following: the rationale behind these changes are fully explained on that page.  I have also included a Gravatar with brief personal information and contact details.  It is likely that the format of my blog will be refined as the course progresses

It has been another night of interrupted sleep and I have been up very early this morning.  Maureen is not in good spirits questioning ‘why she has been wasting her life here’.  Fortunately, there is lots of good advice around on dealing with wanting to go home and I hope to follow the suggestions of experienced practitioners on this front.

I have taken to the white board in the kitchen this morning listing four approaches to moving us forward on this journey: tai chi, dancing, meditation and bowls.  The beauty of the first three is that we can easily include them in our daily routines without moving from our home.  They might even be our salvation from boredom with our nightly routine of falling asleep while watching the television.  Bowls means popping in to the local Village Hall: tonight’s the night if we want to catch up with some kindred spirits.

Dharma is an approach to ending suffering within the Buddhist tradition: it offers a methodology for happiness.  The ‘P C Approach to Memory Loss’ is my personal approach to happiness (dharma) as we continue on this hazardous journey.

 

 

Dementia: Looking Back: Looking Ahead (Week 20)

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Yesterday’s aspirations to have a Lazy Afternoon were completely fulfilled with us both enjoying a good siesta.  Our problems came late evening when boredom took its toll:   Maureen freely admitted that she sleeps when she is bored and I confessed that I eat.

Dozing and comfort eating are not the solution to dementia; although they have their place.  I’m hoping that taking part in a new course the  will help me to review our direction on this hazardous journey and address the issue of boredom.

Dementia: Hoping For A Lazy Sunday Afternoon

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I’m hoping for a ‘Lazy Sunday Afternoon’ today after spending a large part of yesterday completing my repairs to the fence..  Maureen spent most of the day on the sofa as I responded to my neighbours call to replace a fence panel that I had taken down earlier in the week.  Lots of things went wrong with what should have been one of those ‘half an hour jobs’: Mike’s knees gave way and this left me without his much needed wood cutting skills.  Therefore, it was mid-afternoon before it was safe for Rusty, Mike’s dog, to return to the garden and not be at risk of escaping.

In retrospect I should never have tried to repair the fence – we should have left it to a handyman.  I have lost count of the hours I have been involved in this time consuming project in the last week.  It wasn’t as if we couldn’t afford to call someone in to do the job and I have never been good with wood as I proved once again..

Maureen never bears any grudges when I stray into pointless pursuits and her dementia means that I can get away with misdemeanours without fear of recriminations.  However, I know that despite her generosity my version of ‘You Are My Sunshine’ this morning was a poor substitute for Merlins Keep’s version.  There may be a second chance for my cunning plan tomorrow when three of the band perform as Shindig late afternoon and might just be prepared to add the song to their set.

I think my aspirations for a ‘Lazy Sunday Afternoon’ might be a tad optimistic as Maureen is currently in floods of tears as ‘nothing fits and she wants to go home to her mum’.  However, at leaste she won’t have to worry about our neighbour’s pet straying into our garden as she remains frightened of dogs after seeing one attack her mum..

If the Small Faces were at the Folk Festival today I would be requesting this number:

Dementia: Ménage A` Quatre

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We tried something new last night and both seemed to enjoy the experience: with a King Sized Bed a foursome was no problem. The only difficulty that emerged was when I reached out to hold Maureen’s hand around  3 am and came across her bear.  A further lunge led to me finding my own bear residing further down the bed.  It was then that I remembered that we had both joined up in the marital bed around 11.30 pm and not returned the bears to their den before falling asleep almost as soon as our heads touched the pillow.

We had another positive day yesterday settling nicely into a sensible routine.  When I returned from the Leisure Centre Chloe was in ‘hairdresser mode’ finishing off Maureen’s hair.   I was charged with paying up after listening to Maureen’s frustration that about how long things take now she needs others to help her shower and wash her hair.

The afternoon siesta followed my Friday special of home-made fish and chips.  The local chippie cannot compete with my potato wedges (cooked in coconut oil of course) and baked haddock in cheese and leek sauce.  Our afternoon siesta went well with us both getting a couple of hours rest.

We had a lovely walk in the evening sun walking taking in the prom and keeping an eye on the night spots in the area.  On our return we watched the goggle box for a while and Maureen rested her eyes on the sofa.  I turned in around 10 pm and left Maureen too it until I heard her stirring via the Baby Monitor an hour and a half later.

When your wife has dementia her ‘no’ often means ‘yes’ so I joined her in the marital bed obviously leaving the bears in place in case their version of events was ever needed.  It’s the Cleethorpes Folk and Cider Festival tonight: Maureen was delighted last year when Merlin’s Keep sang ‘You Are My Sunshine’ – a song her dad often sang to her when she was a small child..  I might just have a word with them to see if they will sing it as a request tonight: that would be a lovely way to end the evening!

Dementia: The Bear Facts Of It

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Maureen had what is common parlance following stroke a ‘Duvet Day’ yesterday: all she wanted to do was sleep.  In her case it was a sofa day and the ‘bear facts’ as you will see from the photo below were we left the poor things too it. Just for the record my bear carries my name and is of course on a blue pillow: Maureen’s is ‘Nana’s Bear’ – both were bought for us by Denise, her late daughter.  When Mrs Dementia is around she often removes my bear from the scene along with my pillow!

Maureen had what is common parlance following stroke a ‘Duvet Day’ yesterday: all she wanted to do was sleep.  In her case it was a sofa day and the ‘bear facts’ as you will see from the photo below were we left the poor things too it. Just for the record my bear carries my name and is of course on a blue pillow: Maureen’s is ‘Nana’s Bear’ – both were bought for us by Denise, her late daughter.  When Mrs Dementia is around she often removes my bear from the scene along with my pillow!

If I try to sleep when she is safely tucked up on the sofa I take to the spare room where the Baby Monitor is plugged in as this alerts me if she stirs.  I heard the familiar ‘is it time to go to school yet’ as dawn broke but apart from that we have both slept relatively soundly.

I have a couple of options this morning I can either go to the Leisure Centre or accompany two friends for a late breakfast.  Maureen has talked about having one of her ‘Pamper Days’ with Chloe (Girl Friday) this morning and I’m hoping that things go to plan.  Now there is a really dangerous thought with dementia the elephant in the room!

Today’s Good Music  page is reflective after yet another night in the spare room.

 

 

 

Dementia: Really Positive Signs

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Maureen and I had a lovely day together yesterday and this morning has started on a positive note.  We structured our day really well yesterday and reaped the benefit.  Leaving the remaining work on the fence to a handyman helped the morning to get off to a good start: he will finish off my endeavours in the next few days.  This meant I could ease my aching bones in the Spa at the Leisure Centre while Gail kept Maureen entertained.

Gail and Maureen always seem to ‘have a ball’ together: ‘Girl Wednesday’ is a great deal of fun and their friendly banter is often aimed at me.  Just for revenge I created mouth- watering aromas with a vegetarian curry to send Gail off drooling over what she was missing.  If she behaves today, she is I may give her a sample of what she missed.

Our afternoon siesta followed my gastronomic delight: Maureen rested for a couple of hours while I took a breather.  Following tea I moved into my D J mode and Maureen sang like a lark for a couple of hours.  We even phoned up Maureen’s aunty Clarice to play ‘Spot That Tune’: she loved hearing Maureen in jubilant form after experiencing Mrs Dementia in full throttle the previous afternoon.

As the rain eased off around 8.30 pm we took the evening air to blow away the cobwebs.  On our return we watched a couple of episodes of ‘Open All Hours’ on YouTube.  I was dropping off shortly after 10pm but Maureen wanted to watch a little more of Arkwright’s attempts to sort out his love life and eventually joined me in bed an hour later.

I was awake shortly after dawn this morning and got up after providing early morning drinks.   Around 6 am Maureen joined me as I sat at the keyboard wanting to share her fears and anxieties about her poor memory.   As always I have tried to reassure her about the progress she continues to make.  I am hoping that I have steered things in a positive direction with some ideas about how to rebuild her confidence in her ability to recollect. 

One of the things we need to do is replicate yesterday’s structure to our days.  I am hoping that some form of cognitive stimulation in the evening prevents Maureen’s routine of bedding down on the sofa after our evening meal.  All I need to do is work out what might go down well on the night and accept that flexibility is the key to this journey.

Dementia: Time For Teepa (Snow)

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Yesterday was very challenging with marked fluctuations in Maureen’s presentation; particularly her mood.  She slept for most of the morning and just about raised herself from the sofa before Charlotte our carer left.  Clarice her aunty visited in the afternoon and I left them too it for an hour or so.

We gave Clarice a lift home calling in for some bedding plants on the way.  Maureen became very hostile as Clarice and I gathered up our purchases and attempted to round Maureen up from wandering in the vicinity of the retail outlet.

Maureen declined Clarice’s invitation to have a cup of tea at her house.  She wanted to accompany me to the wood yard to collect further items for repairing the fence.  The prospect of more work on the fence led Maureen to show her frustration and remonstrate about me repairing our neighbour’s fence.  It took a lot of time and patience to persuade Maureen get back in the car for the homeward journey.

Once home Maureen put her arms around me and thanked me for repairing the fence.  After our evening meal Maureen became very sad about wanting to go home and missing her family.  She was very distant for the remainder of the evening but surprisingly ‘livened up’ when we went to bed.

I think it is Teepa time again for yours truly.  Her explanation of vascular dementia might just help me to understand a little more what might be going on here.   Teepa also has some tips on how to handle wanting to go home and I’m hoping that I can find a post by Amazing Susan  so I can revisit this issue tomorrow. 

 

 

Dementia: Reaping What You Sow

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 ‘Mrs Dementia’ was rampant at 3.3o am this morning as Maureen thought she had been left behind as all the other residents in this Care Home had gone out on a trip.  No matter what I said I couldn’t shift her from her fixation as she tried to put her imagined discrimination into context.  She wondered if they hadn’t taken her because ‘her clothes were so shabby or because she had been a bad person’.  The attack eventually focused on me ‘had I bought her; if I thought she was going to stay here I was wrong’.  Even my teddy bear was removed from her bedroom and flung onto the bedside table beside me in the spare room.  When I look back I had reaped my just reward from a selfish day yesterday.

I got carried away yesterday and almost forgot Maureen’s condition.  For most of the day I neglected her needs as I pressed on repairing fence panels in our back garden.  I chose to ignore her rampant confusion as she wandered around between our garden, the front pavement and our neighbours drive. She clearly hadn’t a clue what was going on even telling me that the police or a relative had just called in and I had missed their visit.

My neglect yesterday wasn’t restricted to my wife: it extended to Mike my neighbour.  He can hardly stand due to a chronic condition but yet again I cajoled him to assist me in my endeavours until he ‘retired hurt’ exhausted.  Kate his wife and her dog also entered the fray keeping Maureen safe as she wandered back and forth trying to make sense of what was going on.

If Maureen had been in a Care Home yesterday I would have been ‘up in arms’ about the behaviour of her carer (me) and complaint would have been filed: I would have been asserting that they needed to be put in Special Measures.  Once gain I am tempted to visit a tattoo parlour and get them to put on my forehead and hand Maureen has dementia.

One of the few benefits of dementia is that I may get away with my selfish behaviour yesterday: with luck Maureen will have forgotten my neglect of her needs.  From now on I need to have a new mantra; ‘potter or pay-up’.  The time for DIY has gone; replacing a light bulb is fine but significant fence repairs are no longer viable – Maureen has dementia.

Two immediate priorities this morning: concentrate on being a good Tea Boy  hopefully ‘at my new station’; seek out Mike and Kate and eat humble pie.