All posts by It's My Time Now

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About It's My Time Now

I am a retired adult educator. My wife had a stroke in February 2014 and developed mixed dementia. I was her Care Partner until she passed in October 2025. This Blog has told the story of life as a Care Partner and now focuses on the aftermath of dementia.

Dementia: She’s Not A Happy Bunny

General

Image result for Not A Happy Bunny PictureI  made an unscheduled visit to Maureen’s Care Home this morning and stayed for lunch..  It has been disappointing to hear her perception of her incarceration: to put it mildly she is not a happy bunny.  She is not too fond of me for: ‘dumping her in there while I’ve been away on holiday’.

I’m hoping to chat things over with the Home Treatment Team at 3 pm, before continuing my observations.  Maureen seems to be mixing well.   She seems popular with both residents and staff.  Since admission she has developed a slight stoop and I get the distinct impression that her efforts to form an Escape Committee with continue.

Dementia: Preventing Carer Burnout

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Image result for Preventing Carer Burnout PictureI’m back home after a very refreshing break at Madyhamaka Meditation Centre in Pocklington.  Being out of the firing line of dementia has given me an opportunity to recharge my batteries and think about how to avoid Carer Burnout.  Good fortune led me to choose Ashgrove Care Home as Maureen’s holiday home.

If Chloe, one of our carers, had not given positive feedback on Ashgrove I would not have gone near the place, as it had been in Special Measures.   That would have been a mistake: as any perusal of Ashgroves latest CQC report will show the improvements that have been made at all levels. My experience since the first time I stepped through the door has been equally positive, and I have no doubt that Maureen remains in good hands.  Ashgrove has now become a serious contender for preventing Carer Burnout with; Day Care, overnight stays, and substantial periods of respite becoming distinct possibilities for the future.

As my good friend Kelsang Dorde would say: ‘its a no brainer’

 

Dementia: ‘Its A No Brainer’

General, Mixed Dementia

Image result for It's a no brainer pictureThe last time I was at the  Madhyamaka Meditation Centre Kelsang Dorde concluded his meditation session with : ‘its a no brainer’. Yesterday’ he deliberately did the same after reading out this quote from Geshe Kelsang Gyatso:

‘When things go wrong in our life and we encounter difficult situations, we tend to regard the situation itself as the problem, but in reality whatever problems we experience come from the mind’.

One of my reasons for coming here was to experience the warmth and kindness that the Centre emanates as I sought to rest my tired mind and body.  I couldn’t have come to a better place and have now sorted out my thinking on a possible way forward.

I intend to return to Cleethorpes this morning to settle back into familiar surroundings again. The news from down the road continues to be good: Maureen is enjoying her little break at Ashgrove Care Home.  My next move -‘its a no brainer’- to share my thinking  with Chloe our most experienced carer.

Chloe has been working with Maureen for over two years.  She knows Maureen better than anyone I know and has extensive experience of supporting people with dementia. Who better to share my thinking with than this highly skilled and dedicated carer?

 

 

Dementia: What A Team!

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It took a real team effort to ease Maureen into Ashgrove Care Home yesterday.  She was at her articulate best to frustrate any plans to remove her from her home and separate her from her husband.  However one carefully construed last throw of the dice eased her way into Respite Care.

I had never met Sue, the Mental Health Nurse from the Home Treatment Team, before and it was our chat in the garden that was the turning point in proceedings.  We then played out our plans to persuade Maureen to have a look at a place that was not too far away.  Gail our carer accompanied Maureen as ‘her friend’ holding her hand as she stepped into unknown territory.  Once through the door Joanne the Manager of the Home came into play as Maureen was guided to her room.  At this point I read the hand signals of June and faded into the background.

My phone call to Ashgrove from the Buddhist Centre at 7 pm told me just what I hoped to hear.  Maureen had settled in well; had been singing, dancing and had befriended Margaret. What a relief to hear such genuine good news!

All I can do now is take it one day at a time.  We are both in places where we are surrounded by kindness and  will hopefully  get the rest we need.

Dementia: Two Songs For Today

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3.30 am

In five hours time the process of admitting Maureen into Ashgrove Care Home will begin . The Home Treatment Team will be here a couple of hours later to support me as we ease Maureen a mile down the road to her new home for the next seven days.

At 3.30 am in the morning I’m not sure if I want to get back to sleep or savour these last few hours at home together by looking at her beautiful face: peacefully at rest once again.

Listening to two of our favourites from Dolly and Willie will help me through what is likely to be a rather challenging time:

 

 

Dementia: Respite Begins Tomorrow

General

Image result for Respite Starts Tomorrow PictureAshgrove Care Home are not able to carry out their assessment of Maureen until 8.30  tomorrow morning.  This will then give me a couple of hours to try to personalise her room while she is being looked after by a carer.

I am awaiting confirmation from the Home Treatment Team that they will be able to provide support to ease Maureen’s transition into Ashgrove before noon.

I have had a long conversation with the Administrator of the Home this morning and  agreed that Maureen will be admitted initially for a week.  Our discussions have reassured me that Maureen will be in capable hands while I try to get some much-needed rest.

Dementia: Early Morning Update

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3.00 am

I have just put in a call to Single Point of Access requesting support in the morning to place Maureen in Ashgrove Care Home for a period of immediate respite.  This request will be on our social worker’s screen as soon as he switches on his computer this morning.

Maureen has been awake for about an hour totally refreshed after being asleep from early evening.  I crawled into bed around nine feeling exhausted after another day of trying to lift the spirits of someone who is frequently in despair.  She stood looking forlorn in the kitchen yesterday evening saying: ‘I’ve forgotten my name’.  This follows on from a comment the day before that she ‘couldn’t remember how to do anything’.

When I took Maureen a cup of tea this morning she thought I was her dad.  She told me I was her hero for taking her on such wonderful holidays to the Isle of Man: I have never been there!

It was a stroke of luck that I visited Ashgrove yesterday following positive reports on the place.  It is on our doorstep but I was aware that it had been in Special Measures so I had not darkened their door. I’m glad I did as the place has been transformed since I  visited Maureen’s uncle there at the end of last year and they have immediate avilability for respite.

If I don’t get some quality sleep soon I will keel over and any involvement in where Maureen is cared for will be out of my hands!

Footnote: My status changed at 4 am when Maureen added this to our shopping list on the whiteboard: ‘HONEY FOR GRANDAD’.

Dementia: On Target? (Week 3)

General

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I have decided to adopt a new Working Position as I strive to do a good job as Maureen’s Care Partner:  Accept What You Can’t Change and Try To Change What You Can’t Accept.

Yesterday morning was a classic as I tried to nudge Maureen in the direction of a shopping trip. As you will see from below she eventually made it abundantly clear that she didn’t want to go into Grimsby to look for suitable clothing or any of my other suggestions.

The upshot of Maureen’s reluctance to go shopping is that she will continue to wear the same pair of trousers throughout the day and night.  It also means that she will not be wearing her wedding ring.  As it was our wedding anniversary yesterday I took her ring out of the box where it had been safely stored and placed it on her finger.  However, without a keeper ring (one of our reasons for a shopping expedition) it is now back in the box for fear of it  going the same way as her engagement ring – missing.

The other thing I have given up on is spending any more time looking for immediate respite in local Care Homes.  My sobering experience on Thursday convinced me that Lindsey Hall Nursing  Home is well worth waiting for.  Therefore, I have to find ways of avoiding Carer Breakdown until Day Care becomes a reality. Fortunately Maureen’s sons are coming to my rescue with support so that I can visit my family in Coventry.  I’m also hoping to resume attending local Tai Chi and Meditation Classes in the coming week.

With my conscience eased with plans to see my mum, and my body and mind in a better state, I hope to sleep a little easier until our aspirations concerning Lindsey Hall become reality.

This morning has started in a familiar fashion with hiraeth dominating Maureen’s thinking.  I have to accept that there is little I can do about ‘wanting to go home’ apart from applying TLC and making her first cuppa of the day.

 

“Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or another dementia”

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Even more excellent work from Kate Swaffer.

Kate Swaffer (she/her) Kaurna Country's avatar

Released 15 September 2016 Released 15 September 2016

The book Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or another dementia, co-authored with Associate Professor Lee-Fay Low was released officially on September 15 and has been well received.

Professor Henry Brodarty wrote the Foreword for it, which I am sharing here:

Thank you Lee-Fay for the shared twelve months we spent working on this book; it was truly a joy to work with you.

Thank you Henry, for your generous Foreword.

Most of all, my sincere thanks to all those people who agreed to be interviewed or answered our questionnaires to inform this book; without you, this book could never have been as well informed.

“Dementia is never one person’s illness. Its ripples spread wide enveloping family, touching friends and bumping up against professional services and care. Dementia can be cruel – hard for those affected and sometimes even harder for care partners. When Alzheimer’s and other dementia came out of…

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Dementia: A Lucky Musical Break

General, Uncategorized

I heard Maureen crying  on the Baby Monitor at 4 am this morning so I picked up my pillow and joined her in the marital bed.  As I lay down she told me that she thought I was in bed with another woman and was going to leave her. I decided to ease her concerns by singing her a Billy Fury number:

A little later on I went downstairs and put Willie and Kris on my Tablet:

Then my lucky break: this number from the Bee Gees staring up at me from my Playlist:

Yes today is our Wedding Anniversary: neither of us are certain how long we have been married – I think it is 18 years today ( I would need to check).  However, I do know I had to serve a six-year apprenticeship before Maureen would let me take her hand!