When M came out of hospital following stroke we had a generous Care Package with lots of respite (me time) for your truly.  These carer ‘sits’ were ostensibly to give me a break from caring, so that I could follow my own interest.  In the early months I  took ever opportunity to escape from my Endless Hours Contract.  Now I am beginning to develop a different take on things.

M remains an intelligent articulate woman.  Unfortunately, her recovery from stroke has coincided with progression of dementia.  However, she can still be a sharp as a tack during periods of lucidity.  She continues to raise an interesting question: ‘why are you leaving me with people I have nothing in common with and going out on your own?’

Several months down the line I have accepted that she makes a valid point.  In short, we didn’t get married to lead separate lives: we have always been very close and have never really needed the company of others.  So I clearly need to get my act together and change how I see respite.  Certainly my battle to get a night away now seems ill conceived.

Just the same as any job a carer is entitled to breaks and holidays.  There is a break coming up for me now, as M who has just had a late breakfast, is going to lie down again.  So although I can never afford to take my eye off the ball, sometimes it will go into touch for a significant period of time.  It is up to me to decide what to do when the ball is out of play: I am spoiled for choice.

When C return from honey moon the coast will be clear to run off for a couple of hours.  I know M will be in safe hands and I can go out and do whatever I like.  But what does running off whenever I get the chance say to M about her and our marriage?  It’s akin to going down the pub and leaving the little woman to look after the kids.  It has taken me a long time to sort this one out, and I am beginning to choose when to go on a shopping mission or send the carer instead.

I have taken off my cloth cap and stopped trying to negotiate a better deal from Social Services.  What is the point of bringing outsiders in a household where we prefer our own company?  If a holiday would help then we will take one together and I have seen with my own eyes the possibilities on that front.

Some years ago we were on holiday in Croatia.  We struck up an acquaintance with a vivacious woman and her rather quiet husband.  As we got to know a little more things became clear.  The rather quiet gentleman was Scargill’s right hand man Peter Heathfield the ex General Secretary of the NUM.  What a shame Alzheimer’s has robbed him of the ability to share his experiences of those halcyon days.  I had shaken Arthur’s hand a few years previously and now we had met the other member of that dynamic duo.  We spent a while in their company and his wife shared fascinating stories of their antics battling the ‘Good Lady’.   The motto from all this is collective action is the way forward here: we are a couple and respite can be integrated into our daily lives together.  I’ve never been one of those: ‘off down the pub merchants’ and I am certainly not going to start now.