I expected Maureen to be tired today after our visit from my eldest daughter and her family yesterday .  Having four additional people in the house is bound to have a latent impact on any couple whose combined ages exceed 145 years.  If you add the stroke, and dementia, into the equation it is perfectly understandable that Maureen has ‘rested her eyes’ several times today.  She is currently on the bed for her third siesta of the day.

We were warned that there would be ‘duvet days’ following stroke.   Any injured brain takes longer to process and tiredness is an inevitable consequence.  Therefore, I supported her declining an invitation to spend time with a relative today.  Particularly as the person concerned always has tales to tell.    Her stories would have been many today; with her husband recently in a Care Home.  I will phone her shortly and explain our need to have had a quiet day.

It is possible that it will take Maureen a couple of days to recover from Lisa’s visit.  Watching two delightful young children enjoy their day at the sea side was a joy.  Observing two young girls, full of fun, is a laugh a minute but it makes you feel your age.  As we often say it is a joy to see family but sometimes a relief when we are waving them off on their homeward journey.  At our age  it is always a relief to know that  we can ‘rest our eyes’, for a while, shortly after bidding them farewell.

It’s very easy to become overwhelmed when dementia is an unwelcome guest in your life.  In my haste to post on other matters yesterday I almost forgot the contribution of our ‘adopted daughter’, Chloe.  I am pretty good at moaning about the difficulties in life and taking the positives for granted.  However, if I am to run with my New Year’s Resolution this post has to be about Girl Monday and Friday.

Her performance yesterday gives an idea of the benefit of our adoption.  She arrived at 10 ‘o’ clock with Maureen still in bed.  As always she asked me how things had been going since her last call on Monday.  When I told her what has been going on she helped me to understand Maureen’c current presentation.  She has a wealth of experience, caring for clients who have dementia, and is always willing to share her insight into the condition.  Her understanding of  Maureen is exceptional  and she knows when to cajole and when to back off.

Yesterday when I returned from shopping Maureen had showered and washed her hair.  A major accomplishment with someone who can insist that she showers and washes her own hair regularly.  The reality being that since stroke it is not simple for Maureen to feel safe in the shower cubicle; particularly on her own.  Chloe had also got Maureen to try on new underwear and they had agreed that the purchases of your truly were not satisfactory.

Caring for someone with dementia requires a steep learning curve.  To have an ‘in house tutor’ on hand who knows her the condition, and Maureen, is worth its weight in gold.  The thought that Chloe will be here on Monday’s and Friday’s is one of my saving graces when the going gets tough.  I would recommend any family with dementia the unwanted guest in their lives to go for the three C’s of Compassionate Care Calls.  We are very fortunate that we have four here with Chloe.

I am up very early this morning for a number of reasons.  We have an exciting day ahead and I need to get things ship shape.  Lisa my eldest daughter and her family will be here by noon.  They offer the prospect of another lovely start to the weekend.  Once again we will have the patter of little feet in the house as Lisa and Tapan have two beautiful daughters; Mala and Amba.  As I have mentioned before we are somewhat isolated up here in Cleethorpes and always welcome family when they want to visit.

Both of our respective families are sensitive to Maureen’s condition.  Lisa and Tapan have both experienced dementia within their own immediate families, so are used to dealing with changes in presentation of the person concerned.  Although that is not the same as living with dementia 24/7, such an awareness generally leads to sensitive responses to our current plight.  We are both excited by the prospect of their visit after a lovely experience last weekend when my sister Barbara and her son came to visit.  Maureen has mentioned, many times, how much she enjoyed being with Tim: he’s a charmer that one with his ‘favourite ladies’.

My early start to the day gives me a chance to sort out the entertainment package for two lively young girls.  Mala has said she wants to go crabbing and the gear has been in storage since last summer.  Then there is bait to be acquired if the catch is to be good.  If luck is on my side and the wind is in the right direction I might even persuade them that kite flying is fun.

As the in house chef meal planning needs to come to fruition.  I have a menu in mind with the option to go to a local pub if the going is good.  It is one of those occasions where a ‘rain check’ is needed to see if it sensible to venture out:  busy pubs at the weekend are not the best places when dementia is on board.

So full steam ahead for a fun filled few hours.  I am confident that our visitors are well aware of fluctuating energy levels and will be sensitive to the needs of the ‘old couple’ .  If we get it right it will be another one of those positive occasions that Maureen will look back on fondly in the coming week.   How will she remember if she has dementia?  Quite simply because her emotional memory is still intact and she has very fond recollections of raising her own children.

What an irony  my earlier post sang the praises of Heather my Admiral Nurse – by lunch time I knew that I was about to be jilted.  During our chat this morning she mentioned that she is planning to emigrate.  Reading between the lines we will have one further date and then she will be off to warmer climes.  She will be a loss to this area, but one of the consequences of living in the sticks is that young able professional staff do not stay long.  One thing I have learned rapidly with dementia is that our environment is constantly changing.

Someone once suggested to me that fate had played a part in recent developments in my life.  Almost thirty years ago Coventry City Council were kind enough to second me to Warwick University to undertake a Masters Degree.  The nature of my studies could not have been more relevant to my current role: Continuing Education and the Management of Change.  On occasions I have considered continuing academic studies with a Doctorate and had preliminary discussions with Hull University a couple of years ago.  I eventually decided against furthering my academic development for a number of reasons.  However, i often think that with enlightened supervision I could write up my current experiences and gain further initials to my name.

Within the last couple of years I regained contact with Tom Schuller my supervisor in my year at Warwick.  As he said when I eventually tracked him down via the Net : ‘I remember you’.  Last year we met up again in London during a visit to see up  two of my daughters.  Tom was a great supervisor and is a lovely man: we still exchange by E Mail: often about the plight of our football teams.

During my year at Warwick I never thought that fate may have been playing a part in my life.  Continuing Education and the Management of Change; sums up my caring role in a nutshell.  Thank goodness for all the Tom’s in the world who continue to play their part in supporting us carers.   Tom just happened to mention, during our last exchange, he had been reading book called ‘Musicphillia’ by Oliver Sack that I might find helpful.  I had chatted to him previously about how music had become an important part of Maureen’s life since the onset of dementia   Some style about that man: still practicing sound adult education techniques, suggesting relevant reading material to his ex students, even after almost 30 years have passed.

I realise that we are very fortunate to have Admiral Nurses in this area.  I am meeting mine this morning and it will be an opportunity to chat things over with someone charged to support carers.  Heather is a refreshing change from the political correctness that pollutes the Public Sector.  What I like about her in the words of my dear old dad is that she: ‘calls a spade a spade.’   A breath of fresh air from : ‘I know where you are coming from merchants’ that spend their days ticking boxes and handing out their own hard luck stories.

After the normal pleasantries, just before lunch time this morning, I can predict Heather’s first question will be: ‘What can I do to help?’   It is so reassuring to be able to meet someone to discuss how I am coping with my caring role.  The added bonus is her experience, and expertise, in supporting those caring for a loved one with dementia.

My initial focus will be on attempting to grasp an understanding of the progression of Maureen’s dementia.  My day to day observations of her presentation need to be put into context.  Heather will help me to see where the condition is going and whether my responses are well informed.  One of her coaching strategies has helped me to see the importance of the environment on Maureen’s presentation.  I am sure she will give me useful feedback on recent changes I have made on the home front.

This morning will also give me an opportunity to discuss the issue of ‘me time’; to ensure that I am ‘a man rather than  martyr’.  I now need to have the courage to assert my right to being more than a primary care giver.  In doing so both of our lives can only be enriched.

As I said at the start of this post we are so fortunate to have Admiral Nurses in this area.  Heather is particularly Admirable in the way she goes about her work.  I know she will cringe if she reads this Blog.  Unfortunately, for her,  one of my New Year’s Resolutions was to give credit where it’s due.

Sorry Heather if you have to reach for the sick bag!