I have to accept responsibility for my part in the mess we got into yesterday.  There is a certain irony that the guy who sets out to minimise his wife’s distress becomes complicit in adding to it: in no small way.  When I think of what I took part in I shudder with disbelief.  In fact words fail me when I look back on what I acually did.

I took part in a charade that gave Maureen the opposite message that I convey day after day.  We all told her in no unceratin way  that: ‘you are not capable of looking after your husband when he is ill’.  What on earth were we doing?  I think it requires some examination to salve all our consciences, and put things into perspective.

In our defence I would argue that we were following a medical model based on Prescribed Disengagement as Kate Swaffer so eloquently describes it.    So we conveyed to a nurturing wife that she is  no longer capable of looking after her ailing husband.  In fact he is so ill that you need to be taken away to ease his burden.   Maureen kept saying at the Day Centre: ‘my husband is ill and I want to go home to look after him’.  She has spent a life-time nurturing others and we were telling her she no longer has the capacity to look after her ‘old man’.  We were all wrong.

It took a while for me to get things back to normal at the ranch.  Hostility about me getting ‘my friend’ to take Maureen to a Mental Home took a while to abate.  She played her cards well and hit me where it might have hurt.  I don’t blame her one little bit, and she continued her attack on the social worker by phone.  Her line was strong and she left the social worker in no doubt that she would pay for her actions.  I will back Maureen in her complaint if she continues in this vein.  She needs to know I am behind her, and will support her in raising concerns.  No-one likes being ‘dumped’.

What all of this has proved to me is that the medical model and Prescribed Disengagement is not the route  for us.  It is up to all of us to find our own way on our journey with dementia.   This came home to me following a chat with our chemist yesterday.  Evonna has helped us to develop our approach to dementia based on a mantra of: ‘Maureen is not ill she is recovering from stroke’.  I forgot that yesterday and became infected with the ‘medical model’.  I hope that doesn’t happen again: Maureen deserves better than that.  It’s amazing how you can lose your way when you are under the weather!

Maureen is extremely angry with the world.  She didn’t like being ‘dumped in a Mental Home’ and it is all my fault.

In my opinion the Day Centre where she was left was totally unsuitable for her needs.

This is all very worrying indeed.  It doesn’t look as if I am going to get the rest I desperately need, as Maureen feels I have conspired to have her locked away.  She just won’t let up with  her full frontal assault.  I have asked the social worker to return here as soon as possible.

It never rains with dementia: it simply pours

When I presented my condition to the Triage Nurse at our Out of Hours Sevice yesterday I couldn’t believe my good fortune.  Within a few minutes there was a knock at the door and  who should enter but Dr Sibtain the GP I had seen on the previous day.  It made it so much easier when I went into his consulting room a short while afterwards.

Dr Sibtain knows us both well fom Clee Medical Centre, so there was no need to explain to him that  Maureen has dementia.  She had wandered away a couple of times along the way, and I had put the receptionist on watch so I could relax while I was in Triage.  I am going to have to use some cards that a contact gave me to indicate to others that Maureen has dementia.  It will only distress her if I have to go into explanations whilst she is in ear shot.  After all as she often says: ‘she lost her memory once’.  She remains in denial about her peripheral vision loss; expecting some magic glasses to appear so she will be able to get her driving licence back.

As always Dr Sibtains examination was thorough, and prescription of antibiotics followed.  He is well aware of my reluctance to take tablets but we understand each other well.  I will never forget his support in helping me to escape from a life-time on antidepressants.  Just by chance I had stumbled on the  work of Irving Kirsch who has called into question the issue of ‘chemical imbalance’ as a determinant for mild to moderate depression.   His research proved that antidepressnats are only effective as a placebo for mild to moderate conditions. This led me to realise that antidepressants were not the solution: therapy was.  Dr Sibtain referred me for the treatment I needed: Paul Martin (Practice Counsellor) provided the therapy.

Moving on from the hospital Maureen had a further difficult episode.  Just by chance we bumped into Tracey our social worker.  Maureen sought an explanation from me about who she was.  Half an hour of difficulty followed, trying to explain Tarcey’s involvement in our lives.  It culminated with Maureen asking me if I had called Tracey in: ‘because I was finding her difficult’.

I could write several paragraphs on what it took to get Maureen to bed.  Abject confusion followed over medical advice to sleep in separate rooms, to reduce the possibility of passing on the infection.  I began to wonder if she would ever settle down – she was clearly frightened about being in a bedroom alone.  I think the fears of strangers getting into her bed are never far away.

Maureen is still sleeping.  My nose continues to drip like a leaking tap.  I hope social services are in touch very soon.

I am posting at this ridiculous hour as I have just taken my second antibiotic.  I have a chronic sinus infection.  My nose is dripping like a tap and I feel pretty rough.  There  is no way I am capable of looking after Maureen at the moment, and I have just informed socail service accordingly.

The events of yesterday evening were a stark reminder of Maureen’s presentation.  I had to be at my best to keep within the bounds of  compassionate communication: on a couple of occasions I lost it.  There is only so much you can take when you are not feeling 100%.  In short, Maureen is completely confused by me being unwell and has forgotten how to be a  nurse to her ailing husband.

This will all be a real test of social services ability to respond to a mini emergency.  It goes without saying my plans for the weekend have gone out the window.  Yet again I won’t get to see my family and it is not entirely my own fault: I have been flagging up my tiredness for quite some time.  

Setting up arrangements for respite supports Care Partners – not visits from professional staff who nod their heads, and keep telling you they: ‘I hear what you say’.