All posts by It's My Time Now

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About It's My Time Now

I am a retired adult educator. My wife had a stroke in February 2014 and developed mixed dementia. I was her Care Partner until she passed in October 2025. This Blog has told the story of life as a Care Partner and now focuses on the aftermath of dementia.

Dementia: A Friend In Need Is A Friend Indeed!

Image result for A Friend in need is a friend indeed pictureMaureen decided to take matters into her own hands on New Year’s Eve and find her own friends.  She had a great time in the morning in Freeman Street Market where she wandered at will chatting to stallholders.  When we moved onto Aldi she was equally at home as we topped up on basics.  We went with the flow in the afternoon when one of us left a tap on in the kitchen.

Maureen couldn’t cope with my frustration at the water level in the kitchen and fled the scene.  I found her in next doors garden and our neighbour coaxed her back home.  Then she walked out again; reluctant to have anything to do with mopping up – something she was adamant was not of her making.  I tracked her in the car for a while before shepherding her in the direction of home. Unfortunately, she took a wrong turning and another thoughtful neighbour steered her back home.

We declined to see the New Year in and were in bed before 8 pm.  However, some kind neighbours decided to wake us at midnight with their firework celebration of the New Year:  I’m not sure we regarded them as our friends!

I’m clearly not Maureen’s friend this morning.  She woke suddenly at half past six, shot out of bed, seeking ‘our little girl’ and went on to tell me that she’d ‘been in a black fog for two months’ continuing with ‘you are nuts and should have your adventures when you were at school’.  It is difficult to predict what Maureen would call those who are driving the need for a Best Interest Meeting on Friday.  We all know the law -The Mental Capacity Act included – can be an ASS but I would think ‘NUTS’ would be too kind for those people behind the need for such a wasteful formal gathering on Friday!

All I can do this morning is give Maureen space and hope that a cup of tea, later on, will clear the air so two really good friends can enjoy a peaceful day together.  I also need to advise professional staff, once again, to stay away from our home as Maureen is still reeling from our social worker’s visit on Friday.  She keeps asking ‘what did that ginger haired man want: what was he trying to find out?’

My priority remains to minimise Maureen’s distress. I need to try to try to calm her down, help her feel safe and ensure that we are only visited by familiar faces for a while.  Thank goodness Girl Monday is here at 10 am: she is like family to us!

Dementia: Finding A Friend

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It took me a while yesterday morning to understand what was behind Maureen’s question of ‘have I got to go to school today?’  After a little probing, she told me she wanted to be with her friends so they could play chasing games together.   When we went for a walk later in the day she asked again about the whereabouts of her friend.

Maureen often says she is lonely and wants to go home to her mother and father, to a place where she had friends.  We haven’t any close friends here and visitors to our home are few and far between.  Moving back ‘home’, is no longer a sensible option as familiarity with surroundings is essential as Maureen can now get lost in our own house. Therefore, it is an opportune time to attempt to develop some friendships a little further and entice them into our abode.  I’m hoping to set the ball rolling on this front later this morning. One of the candidates on my short list has a young child and I know Maureen would love to have a youngster to play with.  I hope to have some progress to report on Monday: have a good weekend.

Dementia: Significant Disorientation

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We made it to Nottingham, but it may have been a bridge too far as Maureen is significantly disorientated this morning.

Girl Tuesday played a sterling role yesterday in persuading Maureen to get into the chauffeur driven Volvo. Tim, the man behind the wheel, remembered his script from the week before and played it well.  Maureen’s brother and sister in law were excellent hosts and put on a lovely lunch.  Unfortunately, the Birthday Girl, Maureen’s sister, was unwell and did not show.

Shortly before Tim was due to pick us up at 4 pm Maureen began to lose track of proceedings.  When I suggested that it was time to go she said she was ‘waiting for her husband to pick her up’.  There then followed a lengthy standoff before we could persuade her to get into the Volvo for the homeward journey. A significant personal attack followed as we were chauffeured home until a semblance of peace broke out on the back seat of the vehicle.

We had to take a natural break as we arrived on the outskirts of Grimsby when Maureen was feeling unwell.  Within half an hour of being back home, Maureen was fast asleep on the sofa; still wondering why we hadn’t seen the Birthday Girl.

As I try to deal with my own tiredness this morning it’s back to the drawing board: a good opportunity to reconsider whether long days away from home is in Maureen’s best interest.  She has been very quiet seemingly ill at ease in her surroundings and deep in thought.  It is interesting to read how other people with dementia, such as Dr. Richard Taylor, dealt with their condition but I need to understand how Maureen’s sees things!

Dementia: Thinking Outside The Box

Image result for thinking outside the box pictures Maureen woke up this morning clearly thinking I was her dad.  This is not something new and I no longer find it upsetting.  The important thing is that she feels safe in my company; irrespective of who she thinks I am.

It’s Maureen’s sisters birthday today and I have flagged up the possibility of visiting her in Nottingham tomorrow.  Maureen has now warmed to the idea and I had already provisionally arranged for our man to be here in the morning to drive us south.  Having a ‘chauffeur’ opens up new possibilities for us and 2017 needs to become a time for thinking outside the box to avoid the dreaded ‘Prescribed Disengagement’ approach to dementia.  Mind Maps by George Huba outline the stark choices for someone with dementia.

Spare a thought for us this Christmas

My final post before Christmas: George telling it as it is.

georgerook51's avatargeorge rook

I realise I haven’t been looking forward to Christmas this year.

I’ve been miserable.

Humbug, writ large.

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Cards have been arriving in the post, people I work with giving them…

A little party at one trust, carols, thanks, all that…

I ducked the second, Christmassy, half of that one.

And now I know why.

It’s time to be happy, to meet people at parties, over dinner, in the street, and be happy.

And talkative.

To tell people what you’ve been up to, how the family are, ask about theirs…

And that means remembering…names, facts, events…which takes time.

Then the words to explain those events and feelings…

It takes effort.

Moray FirthRoss and Cromarty
Scotland Moray Firth Ross and Cromarty Scotland

On Saturday night this crystallised.

I can’t keep up any more. Not at all. I can’t get into conversations.

By the time I’ve thought of a word or idea they’ve all cut in, and my…

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Dementia: Carpe Diem

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The sun shone on the brave yesterday as we seized the day and the clouds stayed away.  Maureen was in good form early doors so I hastily rearranged our trip to Coventry and by 11 am we were on the A46 heading south to see my mum.

Our chauffeur was superb and I think Maureen could be persuaded to travel in style in future.  In fact, she was really taken with life in a Volvo with its leather trim and smooth acceleration.  I wonder if it is too late for her to alert Santa to what the old man would like in his stocking?

My eldest daughter and her two girls were at my mum’s Care Home on arrival.  We quickly exchanged hugs (although in my haste I understand I missed out the youngest) and good wishes for Christmas before taking my mum  for a short drive in the country.  It wasn’t a day for the normal ice cream treat so mum had to traverse some difficult territory with her walking frame as we inched towards the cafe at Coombe Park.  Mum and Maureen were so taken with the Festive table decorations that a kind waitress responded to my scrounging attempt with some artificial flowers to remind mum of our visit.

On our return, we were in bed shortly after 8 pm both worn out from our mission.  It was a very tiring day but we went to bed delighted with what we had achieved and the opening of a door, Volvo of course, which could lead to new directions on our journey in 2017.

There could be no other contender for today’s Good Music.  I remember having a Christmas drink with Maureen when we were work colleagues listening to this song and thinking I’m really fond of this woman: over 25 years later I still am!

I’m a little late posting this morning as Maureen is resolute that it is time to go home.  I have just listened to a very convincing argument that we no longer need to stay in this Care Home.  I wonder if she has got wind of the Best Interest Meeting that will take place two weeks today to deliberate upon her future care and accommodation!

Dementia: ‘I Hate This Disease’

The good news that I hoped to post today is not going to happen after all.  I have decided that tomorrow’s planned trip to Coventry to see my mum is not a good idea, despite arrangements to travel in a chauffeured driven car.

Maureen had very little sleep on Monday night: waking frequently troubled by fears and hallucinations.  Her cold and sore mouth were troubling her so much yesterday that I took her to the doctor for assessment. He prescribed Bonjela and stressed the importance of drinking plenty of fluids as there were signs that she may be dehydrated. Thankfully, her blood pressure is not giving cause for concern.

It has been an early start again this morning.  Maureen has been on the go from half past three.  She started off singing: ‘Who’s Your Lady Friend’ then moved on to being ‘Moaning Minnie’ with complaints about the service in this Care Home.  This is a side of her personality that has become more prevalent as dementia has turned my compassionate wife into a sarcastic woman: a shadow of her former self.

There are some brave people out there, who are quite prepared to share their journey – my cyber friend  Normms never pulls any punches:

Dementia: Amazing Support

Image result for Amazing Susan Macaulay PictureSincere thanks to all those people who have supported us in 2016: we wouldn’t have survived without you.  We hope you all have a good Festive Break and a Happy New Year.

I’m now going to follow the advice of Amazing Susan and limit posting to three days a week. Susan Macaulay has given us lots helpful of advice during the year and I’m going to heed her warning that I’m perhaps overloading our followers.

There is some really good news coming up on Wednesday!

Dementia: ‘Filled With Joy’

Image result for Filled With Joy pictureMaureen was ‘filled with joy’ last night as she opened our front door and joined in with Carol Singers who were in full flow.  She sang along and conducted three young lads who gave us their rendition of ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’.

As the lads left a few coins better off I followed them down the path and thanked them for giving Maureen so much pleasure.  They appeared to understand how meaningful their performance had been for someone who had dementia.

‘Filled with joy’ has real resonance this morning as it is a catch phrase from one of our grandaughter’s.  What gives it real significance is that her dad will be popping in to see us this morning on his way back from a trip up North.  It will be interesting to know if his daughter ever found the dream that she lost when she woke up in our care several years ago!

I wonder what the going rate is for Carol Singers these days?  Thank goodness they were too young to claim the Living Wage!