I recall a friend of mind telling me that my wife having dementia was an opportunity for me to learn how to give unconditional love and practice patience.  His approach to the condition is based on a Buddhist approach to life and E is one of my friends at a local Meditation Class.  It is the patience issue that I am Blogging about here.

I think I have probably improved my ability to give M time to think about or do things.  It is patently obvious that stroke has slowed her down in all sorts of ways.  Someone who has always been extremely capable, and fiercely independent, now struggles with simple tasks.  This gives me a problem: knowing when to assist and when to leave her to figure things out. Sometimes I get it right.  However, it is the patience with others where I struggle and if I look back just a little I can soon put myself right on that score.

My mum has vascular dementia and I have popped in on her condition for several years.  She now lives in a small Care Home a couple of hours drive away and I visit infrequently.  On many occasions I look back and shudder at things I have done, in an effort to support my mum.  I will just deal with a couple of them to remind me of my own shortcoming as I tried to work out how to deal with dementia.

I used to phone very evening to chat to mum about how things were going.  It may have taken me over a year before I gathered that these calls may have been helpful to me but not for mum.  At the end of a long day I was dragging her out of the comfort of her lounge, into a cold recess where she was often unable to hear what I was saying.   I continued my nightly routine for quite some time until it suddenly clicked:  they were pointless.  My mum had nothing to tell me as she couldn’t remember what she had been doing.

It has also taken me a while to work out how to be a visitor to someone who has dementia.  Instead of appearing like the log lost hero, I now stand back and ask those who are there every day how things have been going.  No longer do I march mum down to the pub for lunch: I take a rain check before doing anything.  Those who are there 24/7 see beyond the ‘hostess mode’ that she puts on when I visit and advise me of the best option on the day.

When I got it wrong a year or so ago mum ended up being locked in the Ladies – you hopefully don’t make that mistake twice!  So now it’s a short drive in the car, maybe watching young children playing in a park, then back to the Care Home for lunch.

My own family have a ‘hot line’ to let me know how mum is; so I am no longer hauling her out of her comfort zone to take my calls.  When I visit  try talk to others before I launch into some kind of activity.   I attempt to listen rather than talk and often just sit there holding mum’s hand.  It has taken me a long time to gather this is a sensible way forward.

When my good friend E suggested dementia gave me an opportunity to practice patience I don’t think he was just talking about my wife.  I must try to remember to be patient towards others:  it is not easy for any of us to work out how to behave with the elephant in the room.