This is not the post I had in mind earlier today, it is far more important. The events of last night are now of far less significance after this morning. Towards the end of our a shopping expedition my wife said: ‘I hate it’. She was referring to her experiences in a local Supermarket, where she had been dependent on an assistant for the last half an hour or so.
M has always been fiercely independent and capable: the stroke has robbed her of so much capacity. No longer can she wander the aisles of the Supermarket at will; her restricted vision alone make that problematic. When you add in her dementia the difficulties are almost insurmountable. So as she sat in the changing rooms partially clad a kind shop assistant ferried garments back and forth. It is uncertain if we have come away with anything that will be suitable but we have left with a feeling of disillusionment. I did my best to say something appropriate but could have added: ‘I hate it too’.
I hate watching my wife slowly disappear before my own eyes. She is now a shadow of the woman that left many in awe with her intellect and looks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and she still looks good to me. However, she is often incapable of rational thought and applying logic to situations. We have both aged since meeting over 25 years ago but what I hate is seeing my wife a shadow of her former self: stroke has left her incapacitated on so many fronts.
Some say that things will get easier as time passes and my wife will become more compliant: easier to manage. I am not sure I am looking forward to that stage of the condition, as I will miss the period of lucidity. We both hate it: dementia has robbed us of so much and watching the condition progress is heartbreaking.
Dementia: Sharing The Good Times 
Truly heartbreaking, and no easy words can change a thing. Sometimes we are able to forget how horrible the situation is and almost feel normal, but other times we are faced with the reality. Hope you and M have a better day tomorrow.
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It is a horrible disease – I hate it too, and I’m sure my husband does. Watching someone you love who used to be capable and is now withering before your eyes is really hard to deal with. This article ( http://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/pleasenomorewords#.VacVJsY554U.facebook) is written by someone who has lost a loved one through death, it feels pretty much the same when a loved one has dementia, although we know that the person with dementia will never “get better”. I have lost my husband somewhere in the disease and it hurts like hell. My hurt will only perhaps “get better” when he is no longer in this world as it will then be slightly easier to deal with. Terrible thing to say, but sadly too true. My tears are constantly just beneath the surface, no matter what I am doing; I, too, wear a mask to cover my heartbreak, but sometimes that mask cracks. I want my husband back – the man who married me – but I know that will never happen now. I have grieved for someone close to me who has died, so I know what grieving is like. Grieving for someone who is still living but just not the same person is probably harder as you don’t have any closure. In time, I hope that I do start to deal with it in a calmer way, but right now, I am on the edge. I don’t think it will get easier unfortunately – only harder. Take care of yourself Paul – you have to stay strong and healthy for your wife.
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Thanks Dominique for your very moving post. When I was 29 I watched my first wife die of cancer in many ways this is harder. I am now gradually seeing my third wife slip away from me. I am fortunate that I stumbled across Buddhism and one of my friends from meditation classes said: ‘see it as an opportunity to practice patience and giving unconditional love’. I feel blessed that M is my wife and fortunate that she survived stroke: there is still lots of life in this old pair of codgers!
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A powerful and moving post.
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Thanks Lemony.
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