This time last week I was returning my 94 year old mother to her Care Home.  We had been out for a short spin in the car and visited a local park.  Conversation had been very sparse with mum occasionally commenting on the number of cars on the road.  During our journey she asked me if I had a dog?  A little later she enquired if I had a wife?  You’ve probably guessed it by now mum has dementia.

I had been unable to visit mum for a few months and she is a couple of hours drive away from where we live.   My trips are akin to the gamekeeper turning poacher.  My two sisters look after mum’s welfare and I am what if often referred to as an  Invisibles on Talking Point the Alzheimer’s Society  site.  I have to admit I had been very good at popping down to see mum, returning home, and making suggestions about how things should go on.  However over a year into my apprenticeship as a carer I try to be a thoughtful invisible.

I always try to tell my sisters if I am hoping to see mum.  When I pop down I usually have chat with them on the telephone about how things have gone.  But I no longer say anything that could be read as a criticism of their sterling efforts to keep mum comfortable.  So when mum said I could have her copy of the local evening paper, rather than skim the sports page. I wondered if she still opened the pages of her copy of the local rag?  On return home I raised this question with one of my sisters and the paper has now been cancelled.  This was a little different to my previous blundering efforts at intervening in my mother’s care arrangements.

I know with dementia only those carers who are on duty 24/7 have any idea what is really going on.  Popping in for a short period of time you only see what you are shown: sometimes what you want to see.  I also understand that even at 94 my mum will still put on a show, her hostess mode, so she doesn’t worry her youngest son.