Formal processes are underway about Maureen’s appalling experiences in Care Homes.
It would be unfair to detail our concerns before they have been fully investigated.
I have distracted and redirected all day with little impact.
Maureen still feels betrayed: that I have conspired with other to lock her away.
She does not accept a promise that from now on they will not separate us!
About an hour ago Maureen told me she was ready to go home to her family. She was well equipped for the journey with an iron, her boots and a butter knife in hand. As we travelled around Cleethorpes, Maureen told me her husband was a car delivery driver and her three children were still at school.
She gave me a peck on the cheek when I dropped her off and thanked me for bringing her home. I returned a short while afterwards to find her walking down the street. She was clearly pleased to see me and we returned to the house as husband and wife again.
As we sat chatting Maureen was anxious to tell me that she kept forgetting things. She remembered someone telling her that she had ‘memory problems and how hard life had been for her recently’. As she relayed her concerns she talked about seeing her G P about her faltering memory.
‘Wanting to go home or asking me to take her back to her husband’, is nothing new. My guess is that she will forget this morning’s concerns and carry on in denial: facing up to the reality of her condition may be more than she can cope with at the moment. That is why my discussions with our social worker about having a Care Coordinator for Maureen is significant this morning: Maureen needs someone with professional expertise to help her put her feelings, and concerns, into perspective.
I have had 6 hours solid sleep and will be leaving for Coventry after a energy boosting breakfast.
My observations of Maureen yesterday leave me in little doubt that she would not live long in a Care Home.
If I leave her there much longer her feelings of being abandoned will lead to further rapid deterioration.
Seeing my mum and brother in their Care Homes this morning will be a helpful reminder of Maureen’s stark prospects if I don’t act quickly on my return.
Footnote:
Arrived safely now waiting for Sky Blue City to wake up!
The last time I was at the Madhyamaka Meditation Centre Kelsang Dorde concluded his meditation session with : ‘its a no brainer’. Yesterday’ he deliberately did the same after reading out this quote from Geshe Kelsang Gyatso:
‘When things go wrong in our life and we encounter difficult situations, we tend to regard the situation itself as the problem, but in reality whatever problems we experience come from the mind’.
One of my reasons for coming here was to experience the warmth and kindness that the Centre emanates as I sought to rest my tired mind and body. I couldn’t have come to a better place and have now sorted out my thinking on a possible way forward.
I intend to return to Cleethorpes this morning to settle back into familiar surroundings again. The news from down the road continues to be good: Maureen is enjoying her little break at Ashgrove Care Home. My next move -‘its a no brainer’- to share my thinking with Chloe our most experienced carer.
Chloe has been working with Maureen for over two years. She knows Maureen better than anyone I know and has extensive experience of supporting people with dementia. Who better to share my thinking with than this highly skilled and dedicated carer?
I’m often told ‘you’re doing a good job’ as a Care Partner. It is always nice to receive praise from other people but my professional background requires a little more than that.
I have no problem with my role as Maureen’s Care Partner being seen as a job. It’s a straightforward way in which to explore my role. Therefore I need a Job Description that defines my role and determines my duties. I also need a mechanism for Performance Appraisal to help determine if I am actually ‘doing a good job’. Perhaps, it is also time to put the performance of others under the spotlight to see if they are doing a good job in supporting us both.
Yesterday I tried to coax Maureen to come out of her shell . I persuaded her to move from the sofa to a nearby Car Boot Sale before breakfast as I returned some faulty socks and sought batteries for my Tens Machine. It was simple to encourage her to accompany me on my mission as helping me to relieve pain (now in my right shoulder) attracted her nurturing nature.
On our homeward journey Maureen became confused when I asked her to buy the Daily Mail from the corner shop. She suspected I was a playing a trick on her as I nudged her forward from the driver’s seat of the car. In the end I eased her through the shop door and she returned with the paper, along with the correct change. The shop owner has always called her ‘darling’ and yesterday was no exception: he continues to be supportive whenever Maureen ventures into his shop.
Following a rather late lunch Maureen spent a long time clearing up the kitchen. I’m wondering if this might become custom and practice; with the cook able to rest while his wife tidies up the clutter in the kitchen. One thing I’m pretty sure of is that comments are on the horizon about clearing up my mess as I go along, rather than leaving the kitchen like a bomb-site.
Maureen took to the sofa for most of the evening; waking a couple of times complaining of a sore mouth and tongue. On one occasion she told me it was pointless me being here if I didn’t have a remedy for this chronic condition – Mrs Dementia at her best!. She has forgotten that we have remedies at hand but none of them seem to have any long-term impact on this condition.
Lots of people are at pains to point out I’m ‘doing a good job’ and when I tell them of Maureen’s presentation they say ‘bless her’. The reality is ‘I’m Winging It’ and she is sneezing a lot at the moment! refetced on the other day.
This morning’s reality check is that Maureen has just woken saying that I’m keeping her here and she wants to go home. She is concerned that no-one else wants her: the loneliness of dementia- something that Kate Swaffer reflected on yesterday.
Things nearly got out of hand at 11.30 pm last night. Maureen woke up and came into my bedroom like a hurricane wanting to know where the other people were. I woke up in a daze and mumbled something about the fact that we lived here alone. What she called me doesn’t need to be repeated but not content with abuse she hurled things in my direction and went on to threaten to smash the place up. Once again she believed she had been imprisoned here against her will.
Fortunately that storm was short lived and she soon took to the sofa and drifted back into sleep. I took the opportunity to ring up the Konar Suite to take advice on what to do if Maureen returned to her theme. Vicky one of the nurses on duty gave me a simple line: ‘everyone else is in bed because its midnight and we need to get back to sleep’. She also suggested that I add ‘they will be visiting us in the morning’. It is helful that I canring the Konar Suite whenever the Home Treatment Team is unavailable: little wonder that dementia support in North East Lincolnshire is so highly regarded.
I also made the of giving Maureen too much space as I tried to orientate her and that backfired. When I came downstairs a while later I thought she had ran off. After convincing myself that she had gone outside in the darkness I found her cowering in the utility room, armed with a gardening shoe. Once I calmed her down she told me that ‘the man who lived here had locked her in’.
There have been a couple of other incidents earlier this morning when Maureen has been struggling to orientate herself. She has been unsure how to find her way to the bathroom or to understand where the others have gone. She has just asked me what she is doing here as she thinks she lives elsewhere in Cleethorpes.
These incidents during the night were disappointing after a rather pleasant Bank Holiday afternoon. We had a seemingly ordinary time together pruning a tree together followed by a picnic in the garden.
Maureen’s presentation can change very quickly at the moment: with my status going from hero to zero within minutes. This means that I have to stay vigilant at all times. I need to be really careful what I say when she is struggling with orientation or I’ll pay a heavy price when I get it wrong.
Dementia: Sharing The Good Times 