One thing that Maureen craves is to have more time with her family.  When we went to Nottingham last week she was a different person in the company of her brother and sister. There were times when she functioned so well that it was difficult to believe that she had dementia.  It was lovely to see her with familiar faces visiting old haunts from her childhood.

Maureen forgot that we had been with her family almost as soon as we turned the key to enter our home in Cleethorpes.  A few days later she has little idea how long it is since we have seen her brother and sister.  However, when I remind her of the sites we saw in Nottingham the smile on her face is captivating.  The following video uses a bookcase analogy to explain that the emotional memory remains intact even when dementia marches relentlessly on.

We have no immediate family in Cleethorpes so I have plans to make it easier for us to get together.  On Sunday we will travel to the Buddhist Centre in Pocklington to catch up with one of Maureen’s sons on Mother’s Day.  In April we will create a rendezvous in Lincoln to meet up with her other son. I’m hoping that these arrangements will become regular events in a monthly cycle.  I also hope to set in motion regular respite for myself which will also create more family time.

Maureen has never had a positive experience of Care Home based respite: either being bruised and battered or escaping from ‘captivity’. She has also retained the memory that we have ‘tricked her’ into going into Residential Care.  From my point of view telling Love Lies is a daily coping strategy but blatant deceit about Respite Care is a step too far: it will not be repeated.  Therefore, home-based care is the only option at this point in time.

I’m hoping that we will shortly establish a regular pattern of long weekend breaks. Ideally, this will involve me leaving here after Girl Friday arrives and returning before Girl Monday departs. I’m hoping that carer support will be supplemented by family presence while I’m taking a monthly break: a person-centred- approach to preventing Carer Burnout.  If things go according to plan such arrangements for April and May will be in place prior to the Best Interest Meeting on the 6th of April when Maureen’s future care and accommodation will be discussed.

There is little doubt that we have had a narrow escape from the traditional route that Care Partners consider when they are jaded: seeking Respite Care for their loved one.

We both feel rejuvenated from our trip to Coventry on Thursday.  Whenever we think of the smile we put on both my brother’s and mother’s face we know that we got that part of our journey right.  When I think of the route I might have taken to deal with my tiredness I shudder when I remember the result of that path for my brother.

Respite Care led to a disaster for my brother.  His wife was worn out and placed him in Respite Care.  He struggled with his new environment was eventually accused of assaulting a member of staff and was Sectioned and taken to a Mental Health Unit.   They detained him for six months as no Care Home felt able to cope with the resultant challenging behaviour.

My brother has never been a violent man.  Alzheimer’s has clearly changed him and he is now a shadow of his former self.  What on earth they medicated him with defies belief  He didn’t speak on Thursday: words are rare from this lovely gentle man.  He sat in his favourite chair smiling at us on Thursday  – perhaps we were a distant memory in his damaged brain.

My mum’s story is rather different she is in her Care Home by choice  When dad died she couldn’t cope with living alone.  She was adamant she wanted somewhere where there were no men.  Her Care Home is small former farm house where she is well cared for.  However, I often wonder if she has prematurely lost the ability to walk unaided as sitting looking at the centre of the room seems to be her main activity.

When I was jaded earlier in the week I explored Respite Care for Maureen.  I’m so pleased that she declined my attempt to have a break from my role as her Care Partner.  What a mistake that would have been: we would have missed out on bringing such joy to my mother and brother.  I feel rejuvenated that we have found a better way forward: we will remain on this journey together as we vowed when we married.

We’ll be on our travels again next week.  Airport Travel is an excellent local company and they are very attentive to our needs.  I have a couple of ideas where ‘Dan the Man’ could take us to next week: I’ll just have to see where Maureen fancies going on the day!