All posts by It's My Time Now

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About It's My Time Now

I am a retired adult educator. My wife had a stroke in February 2014 and developed mixed dementia. I was her Care Partner until she passed in October 2025. This Blog has told the story of life as a Care Partner and now focuses on the aftermath of dementia.

Dementia: Sleeping To Deal With Boredom

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When I called to see mum today she was asleep in a chair in the lounge of her Care Home. She looked so.peaceful I decided not to wake her. When I told the.Manager I would come back later later she said she will be asleep then. She also explained that she sleeps because she is bored so she woke her. She also told me how important it was for Mum to drink her cup of tea.

It too me a few minutes to deal with mum’s  boredom with tunes on YouTuse from Frank and Nat. Mum was a revelation singing along to some old favourites tapping her feet and fluttering her eyes. It brought tears to my eyes to see the transition: mum alive and kicking rather than driven to sleep by boredom.

Dementia: Two Good Men

Mixed Dementia

My Pilgrimage To Paddington has gone exceptionally well. Yesterday evening I dined with two men who have had a significant impact on my life.

When you leave school at the age of 15 without a single qualification you don’t  expect that 26 years later Lord Scarman will be presenting you with a Masters Degree at Coventry Cathedral.  I will never forget the excellent support that Tom Schuller gave me in my year at Warwick University in 1987 that led to that memorable day. His encouragement to write cteatively and conduct empirical research will never be forgotten.

I am also grateful  for the research of someone else: Irving Kirsch. His exposition of the myth of ‘chemical imbalance’ has changed my life. If I hadn’t read The Emperor’s  New Drugs -Exploding the Antidepressants Myth it is probable I would have been taking antidepressants for the rest of my life. Becoming aware of research that proved antidepressants were no better than a placebo gave me the confidence to stop taking them. With the support of a therapist I have learned how to think my way out of depression.

At 7 am I will be on a train to Coventry with the prospect of a very different day. I will be catching up with my brother and mum. A day reminding myself of the unfairness of dementia lies ahead.

My brother is unlikely to really know who I am as Alzheimer’s has robbed him of cognition. My mum will be disappointed if I am not able to take her out as she loves to escape from her Care Home.

The evening will be Respite from Dementia in the company of my eldest daughter and her family. Her two beautiful daughters would lift the mood of anyone who has had a challenging day.

Whenever I have tough days, thanks to Irving I know that I am not suffering from a chemical imbalance. It is natural that I won’t be in high spirits when I reflect on my brother’s  and mother’s  welfare. However, two high spirited grandchildren are likely to take my mood in a positive direction: as has the news from Arderlea Care Home. I heard yesterday that Maureen is settled and going to bed at night: that is a really positive balance!

Footnote: I’m  blogging from my mobile while I’m on my travels so no links or graphics today. Normal service will be resumed on Monday.

Dementia: No News Is Good News

Mixed Dementia

Image result for No News Is Good News Picture

No news must be good news as there has been no contact from Alderlea Care Home.

I will give them a ring before I leave for my Pilgrimage To Paddington to check Maureen has all she needs.

I’m just off to the Leisure Centre for more Spa and Sauna.

Dementia: A Piece Of Cake

Mixed Dementia,

Image result for It Was A piece of Cake Picture

Shortly after 2 pm yesterday, our Key Worker eased Maureen into Alderlea Care Home with the prospect of coffee and cake.  Her trust in him is well founded.  It is lovely to watch his person-centred approach, which has clearly won the trust of someone who is often suspicious of the motives of professional staff.  We are very fortunate to have a Key Worker who is passionate about ensuring Maureen remains at home!

From what I have seen so far Maureen is in good hands at Alderlea Care Home for the next week.  My reception when I turned up unannounced yesterday morning was first class.  Despite being in the throes of a busy morning everyone I came into contact with made time for me and gave me positive vibes about the place.

One of my shortcomings is that first impressions count with me and the last time I popped into Alderlea I didn’t like the look or the feel of the place.  In retrospect, my judgement may have been coloured by seeing a dear old friend who had become a shadow of herself.  Sadly this beautiful lady has passed away as have my memories of being shocked by her decline.  Yesterday, I saw the place through different eyes: somewhere full of potential for my dear wife to have a positive experience.

The room allocated for Maureen has been nicely decorated and has the view of a garden that she will be able to walk around whenever she needs fresh air.  Alderlea is very spacious and there are lots of areas to explore and plenty of places to sit including a large conservatory.

Before I bade our Key Worker farewell yesterday and thanked him for his support I outlined how I saw how our Support Plan needed review:

  • Respite breaks every 4 weeks ( something I have been reluctant to accept)!
  • Carers to focus on stimulation and activity rather than providing a sitting service
  • Carers to provide lunch at the weekend.

I will be with the early birds at the Leisure Centre shortly to loosen up this old body of mine.  On my return, I will begin to make some headway in another mountain of paperwork and take action on some pressing matters.  I will leave Alderlea to it for the coming week confident that they are well qualified, as a Home that specialises in dementia, to look after Maureen: I know they will contact me if they need to!

 

Dementia: Pipe Dreams

Mixed Dementia,

Image result for A Pipe Dream Picture

I have to hold my hand up and admit my plans to take Maureen to London for the day have been a pipe dream.  This realisation came to me belatedly yesterday when the challenges from Maureen’s presentation were coming thick and fast.  What I had chosen to ignore was a question posed to me by Girl Tuesday, when she herself had been under attack:  ‘what if she goes off on one when you are in London?’

I have never seen or heard Maureen in the state she got herself into yesterday.  The things she said about me do need repeating and accusations about a relationship with Girl Tuesday were insulting.  It was sad to hear Maureen tell her favourite carer to ‘get out of her house’ and accuse her of being ‘a loose woman’.  G T sensibly kept her distance as Maureen constantly invaded her space and eventually I advised her to leave early for her own safety.  As always G T showed her undoubted skills; completely unhindered by being six months pregnant.

Our Key Worker will be here this afternoon to help the transition of Maureen into a Care Home for four nights.  He bailed me out yesterday, promptly finding another option when Ashgrove said they were no longer staffed to cope with Maureen following my cancellation of our booking on Monday.

It will be interesting to see how Maureen reacts to being in Alderlea and whether Care Homes always turn out to be her worst nightmare!

Footnote:  I drafted the above late last night during a calmer moment.  This morning I am no longer ‘Public Enemy Number One’: Maureen thinks I’m her dad.  She is ranting this morning about all sorts of things as she walks about the house and garden.

Taking Maureen to London was my Pipe Dream anyone who thinks my current Support Package is adequate is suffering from similar hallucinations.  I’m posting early this morning so I can concentrate onto containing Maureen until our Key Worker arrives at 1.30  to help me get Maureen into Alderlea so I can enjoy some much-needed  RESPITE!

 

Dementia: ‘I’m So Frightened’

Mixed Dementia,

Image result for Frightened Elderly Lady Picture

When Maureen lay on the sofa yesterday evening following an afternoon in the sun she said to me: ‘I feel so frightened’.  She went on to tell me how difficult it was to do simple things and how her confidence had been shattered.  I tried to reassure that I would always try to help her just as she had done for me during difficult times in my life.

I didn’t like to tell Maureen that I had been struggling to understand her presentation for most of the day.  It was late afternoon before I grasped what was behind the changes in her reality when she said ‘I didn’t know where I was until I saw all that loosestrife; then I knew I was in my garden’:

Then she revealed what had really spooked her yesterday.  A new carer had turned up and grilled her with questions during the morning.  Maureen thought this was a Memory Test in the preparation for readmitting her into a Care Home.  This may have sparked a challenging evening and a dreadful night.  Thank goodness I have decided to take her with me to London on Friday rather than recreating her worst nightmare: locked up in a strange place!

It was after 3 ‘o’clock this morning before Maureen was able to lay down on the couch.  I had listened to her monologue via the Baby Monitor between brief naps as I lay on the bed in the spare room.  Fortunately, it is a good day for grounding Maureen after a period of abject confusion.  It is likely that the presence of Girl Tuesday along with my sister and her husband will be just what the doctor ordered: with her jailer becoming her husband once again.

The odds of being able to persuade Maureen to get into the chauffeur’s car on Friday have lengthened. If this hot spell continues I think the odds will go out even further.  At 5 am I am still The Enemy with abuse being hurled in my direction whenever the opportunity arises.  My inclination at the moment is to keep my money where my mouth is rather than bringing about Maureen’s worst nightmare!

At 5 am I am still ‘The Enemy’ with abuse being hurled in my direction whenever the opportunity arises.  However,  with regard, to the trip to Lond, n my inclination is to keep my money where my mouth is rather than bringing about Maureen’s worst nightmare.  Just as I am about to post this Blog Maureen has asked me if she can share my bed as she is so frightened!

 

Dementia: Saved By Sheard

Mixed Dementia, Uncategorized

David Sheard has prevented me from making a real bloomer on Friday with my planned Pilgrimage To Paddington.  His assertion that feelings matter most has caused me to change my plans in a positive direction.

I shudder to think how Maureen would have felt if I had excluded from meeting Tom Schuller and Irving Kirsch on Friday:  two people who have had such a significant impact on our lives.

We were work colleagues when I did my Masters Degree under Tom’s stewardship, thirty years ago.  More recently,  his suggestion that music therapy might be beneficial has transformed our lives.

Irving’s research has helped us both to see that the ‘chemical imbalance’ explanation for depression is a fallacy and antidepressants are not automatically the panacea.  Maureen rejected antidepressants when they were offered by Mental Heath Nurses from the Memory Service shortly after her stroke. However, a Senior Manager from the same department did us a real favour a short while ago when he alerted me to the work of David Sheard.

I have now booked a chauffeur to take us both to London on Friday and made the arrangements more dementia friendly.  We will now avoid Central London by picking Irving up in Reading and meeting Tom in Ealing.  A gradual introduction to two new faces, who are both Professors will hopefully minimise the potential for distress.

An added bonus of our plans is that our chauffeur is familiar with dementia as his mother has the condition!

Footnote: Click <HERE> for my weekly cognitive stimulation summary.

 

Dementia: Reminiscing From Dawn Until Dusk

Mixed Dementia

Image result for Reminiscence Therapy Dementia Pictures

Reminiscing was a constant feature of yesterday.  I started as soon as I woke remembering the events of 45 years ago when my first child was born.  I had taken my wife into the nearby Maternity Unit on the previous day with high blood pressure.  A knock came on the door early the next day with a neighbour asking me ‘If I knew my wife had given birth to a little girl’.

When my sister and her husband arrived at noon lots of memories came flooding back of their kindness to us over the years.  They had brought enough food with them to keep us going without turning the cooker on for a couple of days:  great stock for my mission of Reclaiming The Weekends.

After lunch, I selected some vinyl and we played ‘spot that tune’ attempting to test my brother in laws memory of tunes from a while ago.  As a former band member, his recollection of popular music of our era is outstanding.  Although I did catch him out with Anne Murray:

Another good friend came by in the afternoon to remind Maureen of her friendship with a young man.  Blackie popped into the garden several times to pick up his daily supply of grapes and take them back to family in a nearby tree.

Image result for Blackbird Picture

As I was watering plants in towards dusk music from Tribute Bands from a concert a short distance away drifted across our garden.  When they played Mr Tambourine Man I was taken back to a week in Margate at the age of 18 and Dominique my holiday romance.

The only downside to what Maureen described as ‘a lovely day’ was me needing treatment for hay fever for the first time in my life.  It took me a while to recognise the symptoms as I had never suffered before.  Even my discomfort had a positive outcome as the cognitive stimulation Maureen got from our trip to the pharmacy at Tesco had to be seen to be believed:  she was in her element as she supported me to find a solution to my sore eyes and runny nose.

Dementia: Reclaiming Weekends

Mixed Dementia

Image result for Reclaiming Weekends Picture

My sister and her husband will be here at noon with lunch.  They offered, once again to bring all we need to give me a break from my duties as the resident chef.  This fits in very nicely with my plans to reclaim weekends as time off.from my duties as the resident chef.  Last week Girl every other Sunday prepared our lunch and made it a day of rest.

Care Partners having weekends: whatever next- watch this space!

Dementia: ‘Listen To Carers’

Mixed Dementia,

As Carers Week draws to a close Beth Britton makes a salutary point: ‘Listen To Carers’. This extract from her blog, D4Dementia, is reproduced with her kind permission:

‘My interview with Havas Lynx where I talk about the wealth of knowledge and experience carers have and the importance of capturing that

The challenge for all of us, however, is to find ways of capturing carer knowledge – at every juncture of a carer’s life – to benefit others, be they family carers or professionals. And if you are a health or social care professional, NEVER consider yourself more learned or accomplished than a family carer, be they a current or former family carer. That unique pull of circumstances and emotions creates a rarefied learning experience that really is – both positively and sometimes negatively – second to none’.

I consider myself very fortunate that our Key Worker always stresses the importance of ‘being led by me’.  He made this point again yesterday when I was asserting Maureen’s presentation is often a reaction rather than evidence of progression of dementia: time will tell if I’m really getting my message across!