Today is Mothers’ Day and my brother John’s birthday.  As readers of this Blog will know mum has mixed dementia; John has Alzheimer’s.  This post argues that with dementia in the room it may be sensible to let such days pass without special celebrations.  Maureen’s reaction to a Mothers’ Day Card yesterday supports this assertion.

Maureen and I have never placed great stock on celebrating Special Days.  For some years we have recycled cards and bought each other token presents.  When we used to go to Portugal for Christmas we always said that we had paid for each other’s holidays.  I have often said to Maureen that her ongoing presence is my present.  However, we respect that everyone has a right to celebrate events in their own special way.

When dementia is a feature in lives then a different perspective needs to be taken on matters.  I have sent cards to my mum and brother.  Neither of them would know it was a Special Day unless they were reminded: John doesn’t know his own wife any longer, mum knows us if we prompt her.  I would suggest that every day is a special day for someone with dementia: reminding them that they have forgotten a Special Day may be unwise.

The arrival of a Mothers’ Day card here yesterday caused Maureen distress, rather than pleasure.  She couldn’t read it, and was unsure who it was from.  She then said ‘I can’t remember what he looks like any longer’. The card has now been stuffed in her handbag inside a calendar from last year.

In my view it is better to let such days pass without any form of acknowledgement or celebration.  I will visit my mum and brother (pictured above) next weekend.  It will be unkind to spend more than half an hour with my mum.  With luck she will manage to stay awake.  Hopefully she will let me hold her hand.  It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know who I am as long as she feels safe and loved.

My visit to see John may be even shorter.  He will look at me and smile.  I have no idea if he knows who I am.  Again I will hold his hand and show my appreciation of the kindness he has shown me throughout my life.  If some of his ‘lovely ladies’ that look after him are around his interest in me is likely to be minimal.

Every day is Special whenever I’m able to visit Coventry and see my family.  I realise how lucky I am that they have been such great support to me in the last 70 years.  If National Express are on time, and local buses are on schedule, I might even get to see my sisters, daughter and her family: that would make it a really Special Day.