All posts by It's My Time Now

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About It's My Time Now

I am a retired adult educator. My wife had a stroke in February 2014 and developed mixed dementia. I was her Care Partner until she passed in October 2025. This Blog has told the story of life as a Care Partner and now focuses on the aftermath of dementia.

Dementia: The Drugs Don’t Work!

Mixed Dementia

The Waking Times recently published an article, available <HERE>, outlining the risks associated with taking antidepressants, antipsychotics, and benzodiazepines.  The infographics make sobering reading.  Once again I count my blessings that we live in North East Lincolnshire where we staff within NAViGO always weigh up the risks associated with prescribing medication and listen to patients.  Maureen and I were delighted when after three weeks assessment in the Konar Suite that the Consultant decided that medication was not needed at this moment in time!

 

Dementia: It’s A Question Of Trust

Mixed Dementia

Several people have questioned why I keep a close check on how Maureen is doing when she is in a Care Home.  I suppose it all started a couple of years ago when I went to visit her in Ladysmith Road Care Home and found her bruised and battered – as you will see in the picture below.  Once again I have erased her eyes to preserve her anonymity.

The Care Home said she fell out of bed: sustaining severe bruising to her face and head.  They chose not to send her to the hospital or inform me of the incident, which I found bemusing.  Unfortunately, this has not been the only occasion when I have had misgivings about Maureen’s welfare during Respite Breaks.

Imagine my concern a couple of years ago when I received a phone call from Ashgrove Care Home to inform me that the police had found Maureen in someone’s garden and they didn’t even know that she was missing.  Then on another occasion, I found her in an unused part of the building in an unlit room struggling to open the door.

I bought my last Respite Break, when Maureen was in Alderlea Care Home, to a premature end. She had not slept in a bed for the duration of her stay and I didn’t warm to residents being unsupervised when I popped in one evening.

There have been times when Ashgrove has been in Special Measures.  A new Mangement Team has recently worked closely with the Clinical Commissioning Group to raise standards.  From what I’ve seen and heard Maureen is in safe hands.  I need to let them get on with their job: they will get in touch with me if there is anything I need to know!

 

Dementia: ‘She’s Settling In’

Mixed Dementia

Ashgrove, Cleethorpes, North East Lincolnshire

The news from Ashgrove Care Home yesterday was that Maureen is settling in.  Apparently, she’s teamed up with an old friend from a previous visit and they were walking around hand in hand.

We seem to have escaped the worst of the Beat from the East at the moment with moderate snowfall.  However, conditions underfoot are treacherous and I’m not going out unless it is essential as I can’t risk a fall.  Maureen may well be in the best place during this cold snap rather than being stuck with someone who may be experiencing a touch of Cabin Fever!

Dementia: In Like A Lion Out Like A Lamb

Mixed Dementia, ,

Image result for Out Like a lion in like a lamb picture

I took a  proverbial hammering on Monday night’/ Tuesday morning as I struggled to cope with Maureen’s presentation.  She didn’t know who I was or why I was locking her in a strange house against her will.  I hadn’t seen Maureen in this mode for some time and it took a long time before any of my attempts to calm her down had any impact.

Eventually, music led to a temporary break in hostilities.  I chose my moment and called up ‘You Are My Sunshine‘ on YouTube.  Maureen broke into song as she remembered sitting on her dad’s knee as he sang to her.  I then chose music carefully to ease her into a sleeping on the sofa.  However, my respite from hostilities was brief as when she awoke a short while afterward the attack resumed.

As dawn broke Roving Carers from our Care Agency arrived to give support in response to my call to Single Point of Access several hours earlier.  Apparently, it was a busy night with their services in great demand. They stayed for a short while observing that Maureen was ‘very awake’ and left me to it.  Their efforts to persuade her to go to bed had fallen on stony ground. She had left them in no doubt that she wanted to ‘go home’.

I didn’t surprise me that after the shenanigans of a long night that the lion went into Ashgrove Care Home like a lamb.  Our Key Worker, as always played a blinder, led her by the hand and the Manager played her part met her part with a helpful greeting of ‘hello Maureen how nice to see you again.’  Within minutes she was being asked how she liked her tea and we left her to it: even lions like to be acknowledged and offered a cuppa!

 

Dementia: Beware Of The Hammer

Mixed Dementia,

Maureen lived by herself for eight years following her divorce.  During that time she slept with a hammer, very similar to the one below, beneath her bed:

Image result for Beware She Has A Hammer Picture

After the events of last night, I’m wondering if I should retrieve it from the garage and put it in a place where it is accessible to her.  Around 2.30 am I assisted her to find our downstairs toilet.  It took her a while to find her shoes that had clearly been ‘stolen and worn by someone else’.  After relieving herself she made her way upstairs declaring ‘she wouldn’t stay here much longer’.  Then the hammer entered into her thinking.

As she slipped into bed she said ‘she was fed up with men messing with her against her will’.  She wondered ‘why they didn’t mess with their own children or wives?  Then she said ‘she would be ready for them the next time as she would hit them with a hammer!’

I think the events of early this morning add substance to the <ARTICLE> by Susan Macaulay on memories being far from linear when you have dementia.

Dementia: Memories Are Not Linear

Mixed Dementia

One of my reasons for blogging is that through sharing my experiences I might get a better understanding of Maureen’s presentation.  In my blog yesterday I tentatively suggested that Maureen had been ‘hallucinating’ about wild animals and her mother being unwell.  That led to Susan Macaulay commenting and sharing her video that we need to look at memories in an entirely different way:

I find Susan’s ball of yarn model very helpful: memories are far from linear when you have dementia.  It might well be risky to use words like hallucinations as I’m sure there is a tablet for it.  Why on earth would we want to give anyone with dementia medication that destroys even more of their memory?

Some really good news: we had a  new carer yesterday and she was excellent.  I will contact our Agency tomorrow and thank them for sending yet another great carer.  Now I’ve seen her in action I will make it to the Leisure Centre this morning.  I need to get down to some serious training as I’m now pushing 14 stone.  It must be contented living that has led to me putting on three stone since I ran off to live with Maureen!

 

Dementia: From Dancing With Suzie To Hallucinations

Mixed Dementia, ,

We had a lovely time on my birthday: just the three of us.  When I danced with Suzie to Stevie Wonder, as Maureen lay in bed she declared it was her birthday as well.  Suzie either sits on a chest of drawers or the windowsill of our bedroom.  She is really special to us as she belonged to Maureen’s late daughter.   There is a lovely picture just behind Suzie (pictured below) of Maureen and Denise’s daughter: Maeve played with her many times when she was younger.

This morning Maureen has been troubled by hallucinations.  Very early on, she was concerned that we were going to be eaten by animals.  However, she assured me that if they came for me she would chase them off.   Later on, she woke up worried that her mother was ill and she needed to get to her urgently.  On both occasions, I did my best to reassure my dear wife- not easy when you have been woken from a deep sleep!

I often wonder where Maureen’s troublesome thoughts (hallucinations?) come from.  It is possible that her dreams become reality when she wakes up in the night: every couple of hours at the moment. The dangerous animals were in the Arboretum in Nottingham; somewhere that Maureen passed through daily on her way to High School.  Her mother was suffering from a sore throat something which Maureen had been troubled with earlier in the week.

Maureen is going into Ashgrove Care Home for a couple of weeks on Tuesday.  I’m looking forward to getting some much-needed rest and catching up with lots of people.

 

 

Dementia: Every Day Is A Brand New Adventure!

Mixed Dementia

As it’s my birthday today I decided to stick with one of our rituals by giving Maureen one of my favourite cards to regive to me:

 

Dementia: Practising Patience and Acceptance

Mixed Dementia, , ,

Image result for practising patience and acceptance buddhist picture

When I returned home from my Buddhist Meditation Class last night Maureen gave me short shrift.  If looks could kill I would not be Blogging this morning.  How fortunate that Neil had been teaching on the delusion of anger and the importance of patience: he couldn’t have chosen a more relevant topic!

There is no point in getting angry that dementia is a constant in our lives: nothing good ever comes from such a delusion.  The Buddhist message from last night is to accept what comes your way as karmic seeds ripening and then decide if there is anything you can do about it. I eventually decided that there was little I could do about Maureen’s focus last night: nothing seemed to shift her from my shortcomings.  In the end, I made sure she was safe, went to bed and left her to rant.

This morning Maureen has been obsessed with looking for her friend to accompany her to the cinema.  It took ages to shift her reality with music once again opening the door to a change in focus.  Once I called up one or two of her favourites on YouTube her presentation temporarily became a little more favourable.  Unfortunately, she is currently struggling to know who I am and wants to go home.

Girl Thursday will be here in a couple of hours and that will give me a chance to progress some things I can do something about. I need to urgently sort out my next Respite Break: patience is not easily accessible when you are worn out!

Footnote: As much as we loved having a baby in the house yesterday we have decided we don’t want any more additions to our family.  As I’m 72 tomorrow we have decided it is sensible to call it a day on that front!

Dementia: Sing A Song

Mixed Dementia,

Maureen has been in great voice this morning, singing this one:

It was lovely to see the joy on her face as she remembered the words of the Carpenters songs when I called their music up on YouTube.  Music is so important in our lives.  How reassuring it must be to be able to sing along to your old favourites; being able to remember the words when you feel that your memory about most things is so poor.

I have a surprise in store for Maureen this afternoon.  A carer who is on maternity leave is calling around with her little one. It will be interesting to see how Maureen reacts to seeing someone who was here almost daily for a couple of years. My guess is she will have that baby in her arms within minutes of her being in the house!

The Carpenters were a welcome relief from a familiar song.  If I followed Maureen’s theme of an hour ago it would be with the Beach Boys  ‘I Want To Go Home’: she doesn’t sing that one she howls it in floods of tears.  I’ve tried to shift her thinking by singing ‘I Like A Nice Cup of Tea In The Morning’ and delivering her morning tipple.  If things go well this afternoon I might add ‘Baby Come Back’ to my repertoire!